After many unhappy replies from our current vending service we decided that what they really needed was a different form letter that was more closely tied to their true feeling:
ABC Vending Service
Thank you for your (inquiry / comments / complaints) about our vending service.
___ We are aware that _____________ machine
has not been stocked in _____ days.
__ We are waiting for the weekend.
__ We are out of items that have expired.
__ We’re busy, don’t bother us about this.
__ We don’t care.
___ We are aware that the price for _______
seems high at $_______ but,
__ we have to make a living.
__ we use an algorithm 3*retail+your_age.
__ we charge others more.
__ we adjust it to allow for spoilage.
___ We are aware that
__ the sodas are warm
__ the milk is curdled
__ sandwiches are stale
__ gum is hard
__ candy bars are petrified
and assure you that that is
the way it is supposed to be, really.
___ We understand that
__ the bill changer can’t,
__ coin return won’t,
__ product selection doesn’t,
and believe that
__ you should relax, it all evens out.
__ learn to live with it.
__ bring in your own change next time.
__ be happy it gave you anything.
__ quit eating so much junk food.
Thank you and Happy Eating.