1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a “Nice hustle, you’ll get ‘em next time” would pretty much do it.
2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
3. Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
4. On Groundhog Day, if […]

USA Today: WE’RE DEAD
The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
Victoria’s Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE
Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER
Wired: THE LAST NEW THING
Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
Readers Digest: ‘BYE
Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF […]

You try to enter your password on the microwave.
You now think of three espresso’s as “getting wasted.”
You no longer own a real deck of cards because all your favorite card games [solitaire, spades, and hearts] are all played on your computer.
Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.
You have […]

A CAT always hits the litterbox.
Better chance of training a CAT.
No matter what your CAT drags into your house, you don’t have to pretend you like it.
You never have to spend time with your CAT’s mother.
If you ask enough times, a CAT may actually listen to you.
A CAT purrs when you serve him dinner.
You can […]

Lately she sits at the computer naked.
After signing off, she always has a cigarette.
The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.
In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.
She’s gotten amazingly good at typing one handed.
She makes sarcastic remarks about your “software”.
Lipstick on the mouse.
During sex she screams “A-colon backslash enter insert!”
The jam in the laser […]

8 things you’ll never hear a man say:
Here honey, you use the remote.
7) You know, I’d like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
6) Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That’s one movie I gotta see!
5) While I’m up, can I get you anything?
4) Sex isn’t that important, sometimes […]

Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
Contaminate the entire auto […]

Here’s a list of summer camps you may NOT want to send your kids to:
Tommy Lee’s
Camp Kickachick
Monica Lewinsky’s
Camp Suckaweewee
President Clinton’s
Camp Getahoochie
Ellen DeGeneres’s
Camp Lickacoochie
Kenneth Star’s
Camp Catchacrook
O.J. Simpson’s
Camp Killachick
Lorena Bobbit’s
Camp Cutaweewee
Tonya Harding’s
Camp Clubaknee
Pamela Lee’s
Camp Lottatatas
Michael Jackson’s
Camp Wannabewhitey

1. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
2. Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?
3. Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
4. Are You Andy or Barney?
5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a police officer.
6. […]

Age 8: Looks at herself and sees herself as Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty.
Age 15: Looks at herself and sees herself as Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty/Cheerleader or if she is PMS’ing: sees fat/pimples/UGLY. (Mom I can’t go to school looking like this!)
Age 20: Looks at herself and sees “too fat/too thin, too/short/too tall, too straight/too curly”- but decides she’s going […]