A solution to all of your drinking troubles
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom: Drinking fails […]

Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European skier on a U.S. mountain. An appropriate reply: “What Zermatter?”
Avalanche: One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.
Bindings: […]

Arbitrator \ar’-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s.
Avoidable \uh-voy’-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney \buh-lo’-nee\: Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette \burn’-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize \bur’-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with.
Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse \e-klips’\: What an English barber does for a living.
Eyedropper \i’-drop-ur\: A clumsy […]

A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused.
Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.
Active socially: Drinks heavily.
Alert to company developments: An office gossip.
Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.
Average: Not too bright.
Bridge builder: Likes to compromise.
Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.
Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but […]

Dictionary of Evaluation Comments
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.
AVERAGE: Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.
UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: […]

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.
Defense: What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going to let the children play outside.
Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper […]

The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want
The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want
The wife says: It’s your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious
The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You’ll pay for this later
The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain
The […]

These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say…
“IT’S A GUY THING”
Translated:* “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”
“CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?”
Translated:* “Why isn’t it already on […]

WOMEN?S LANGUAGE TRANSLATED
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I?m sorry. = You?ll be sorry.
We need… = I want
It?s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want… = You?ll pay for this later. We need to talk… = I need to complain Sure…go ahead = I don?t want you […]

A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING:
I’M HUNGRY.
I’m hungry.
I’M SLEEPY.
I’m sleepy.
I’M TIRED.
I’m tired.
I’VE GOTTA GO.
Get out of the way and stay away until it clears.
WHAT’S WRONG?
I don’t see why you’re making such a big deal out of this.
WHAT’S WRONG?
What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
YES, I LIKE THE WAY […]