A man goes to his physician and is shocked to find that he has been replaced by a super-computer. The computer asks him his ailments and the man says he has a sore elbow. A drawer pops out and he is asked to urinate in it. After a few bleeps and flashing lights the computer […]

Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to change the lightbulb??
A: None. He just calls a meeting & makes darkness the standard.

OCR - Optical Character Recognition
A technology that can take written words and convert them back into computer-readable form, provided they”re in the right font, using the correct colors sometimes, at the right point size and pitch, dark enough on the paper, and you”re prepared to spend several centuries correcting all the 1′’s that came out […]

To err is human; to really foul things up requires a computer.
Posted by Dirk in Computer Jokes at 18:06

Tech Support:”What’s the problem?”
Customer:”There is smoke coming out of the power supply.”
Tech Support:”You’ll need a new power supply.”
Customer:”No I don’t! I just need to change the startup files.”
Tech Support:”Sir, the power supply is faulty. You’ll […]

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU PICKED THE WRONG INTERNET SERVICE PROVIDER
1. Their company logo: two tin cans and a length of string.
2. You check out their address, and it’s a phone booth containing a Compaq portable and an acoustic coupler.
3. Their chief technical officer lives in a 10-foot-by-7-foot shack in the woods.
4. Their proud boast: “We’ve […]

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:
1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
3. Press any key except… no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
5. This will […]

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into […]

Never write a line of code that someone else can understand.
Make the simplest line of code appear complex. Use long counter intuitive names. Don’t ever code “a=b”, rather do something like:
AlphaNodeSemaphore=*(int)(&(unsigned long)(BetaFrameNodeFarm));
Type fast, think slow.
Never use direct references to anything ever. Bury everything in macros. Bury the macros in include files. Reference those include files […]

Last year, many women upgraded their BOYFRIEND 3.1 to BOYFRIEND PLUS 1.0 (marketing name: FIANCE 1.0) and then further upgraded FIANCE 1.0 to HUSBAND 1.0. They found that 1.0 is a memory hogger and incompatible to many other programs in their lives. HUSBAND 1.0 includes plug-ins such as MOTHER-IN-LAW, BROTHER-IN-LAW, and ANNOYING LOSER FRIENDS although […]