This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend. He’d never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks one day, he hears this whistle — Whooee da Whoee! – but doesn’t know what it is.
Predictably, he’s hit — but, only a glancing blow, and is thrown,
end-over-end, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he’s at his friend’s house attending a party, one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.
His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what’s
happened and asks the desert man, “Why’d you ruin my good tea kettle?”
The desert man replies, “Man, you gotta get these things when they’re
small.”

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy’s ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. “Excuse me, General,” she asks quietly, “but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?”

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, “I showed him my pilot’s wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose.”

Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and a family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on its way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, “The pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers.” “Oh, yeah?” her grandson replied,
“so why is their dad carrying that rifle?”

One afternoon, this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake, a guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures for him to stop.
The first guy rolls down the window and says, “How can I help you?”
“I am the red jerk of the highway. You got something to eat?” With a smile in his face, the guy hands a sandwich to the guy in red and drives away. Not even five minutes later, he comes across another guy. This guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving for him to stop.
A bit irritated, our guy stops, cranks down the window, and says, “What can I do for you?”
“I am the yellow jerk of the highway. You got something to drink?” Hardly managing to smile this time, he hands the guy a can of Coke and stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset, he decides to go faster and not stop no matter what.
To his frustration, he sees another guy on the side of the road, this one dressed in blue and signaling for him to stop. Reluctantly, our guy decides to stop one last time, rolls down his window, and yells, “Let me guess. You’re the blue jerk of the highway, and just what do YOU want?”
“Driver’s license and registration, please.”

Have you heard about the man who did it with a parakeet?
He contracted chirpes and the worst thing?
It was untweetable.

What do you call an Amish man on the side of the road, with his hand up a
horse’s ass?
A mechanic.

Why did the ram fall off the cliff?
Because he didn’t see the ewe turn.

A man sobering up from the night before was sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nodded off.
The priest had been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and was disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decided to make an example of him.
He said to his congregation, “All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand.” The whole room stood except, of course, the sleeping man.
Then the preacher said even more loudly, “And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!”
The weary man caught only the last part groggily stood up, only to find that he was the only one standing.
Confused and embarrassed he said, “I don’t know what we’re voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing up for it!”

With a screech of brakes, an ambulance pulls up at the local emergency room and a hippie is wheeled out on a gurney. The doctor questions the patient’s long-haired colleagues. ”So what was he doing then?” asks the physician.
”Acid? Cannabis?” ”Sort of,” replies one of the hippies, nervously thumbing his caftan. ”But we ran out of gear, so I skinned up a homemade spliff.”
“And what was in that?” asks the doctor. “Um, I kind of raided my girlfriend’s spice rack.” says the hippie. “There was a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a little paprika.”
“Well, that explains it,” the doctor replies, looking at them gravely. “He is in a Korma.”

Ed and Ted went to the fair. They came across a small crowd gathered around a stall and went over to take a look. “What’s going on?” Ed asked one of the crowd.

“We’re watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine,” he said nodding towards a fearsome looking machine. “Nobody has managed to stay on for the full three minutes yet. And there’s a prize of $1000 for anybody who can.

“I can do that!” Ed said confidently.
“No you can’t,” said Ted.
“I sure as hell can!” said Ed.

“You’ll get yourself killed if you try and ride that monster,” said Ted.
“Watch this,” said Ed and climbed aboard the bronco machine.

The machine thrashed wildly, up and down, from side to side, around in circles but still a grim-faced Ed clung to its back. After two minutes the machine was bucking almost vertically and spinning until Ed was a blur. But when the three minutes were up Ed was still on the machine’s back acknowledging the cheers and cries from the small crowd.

He dismounted, collected his winnings and rejoined Ted. “Where in hell did you learn to ride a bucking bronco like that!?” Ted asked.

“Remember three months ago,” Ed said…
“When my wife had whooping cough…?”

Hi y’all…muh name id’s Bubba and dis is muh fameily:

Furst is me… Mom said I got all the good looks and no brains. I love being a babe hound. Girls make spit roll down my chin. I have a stomach problem and fart alot.

My Mom has lots of boyfriends. One of them has a job. She says with a
little luck I could be a garbage man one day.

My brother Hank is in jail right now. When he gets out he is not allowed to be around animals and kitchen appliances.

My grandmom lives with us in our trailer. Shes smells real bad. She likes to hang out in bars and drink beer. Grandma has sores all over and they leak yellow stuff on the furniture. The flies are terrible.

My mom says she is almost positive this is who my Dad is. He lives in a Federal Penitentiary in Montana. When he gets out in 55 years we are gonna go fishing. The blood stains inside my Dads truck are almost all gone!

My younger sister Jill lost all her teeth. She was licking a egg beater after mom made a cake and my cousin Jimmy turned it on by accident.

We are proud of my older brother Barney. He is only 27 and all ready in the 4th grade. He wants to be a Doctor and can write his own name!

Then there’s my half brother Jim Bob and his wife. She is a hottie. They raise Possum in their back yard. They are not allowed to have children.

My older sister Sue Ellen has 15 kids and they all look different. We depend on her welfare check to get by. She has a disease that makes her itch.

Jethro is my 1st cousin. He runs a tomato stand down by the highway. He once went 53 days without taking a bath.

Buck is my second cousin. He is pretty smart. Buck is going to be a dentist some day. He does all the work on our teeth.

My sisters boyfriend for now is Larry. He fixes lawn mowers in the city. My sister says he has a hairy butt.

Michael used to be my best friend but got killed by a bus on the interstate. I still wear his underwear.

Jake is my new friend. He holds the park record. He once jumped over 7
trailers. Jake crashed alot and talks real slow now. His doctor told him to wear a helmit.

My uncle Marky is still having problems. He doesn’t know what he wants in life anymore. He is a Veitnam War hero and now sells perfume at a department store.

My step brother Phil had a hunting accident years ago. The bullet is lodged just over his right ear. It’s hard to understand him sometimes and he always stinks like rotten cheese.

That’s the END OF MUH FAMEILY!

Why did the chicken cross the road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

PLATO: For the greater good of man.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that’s the only trip the establishment would let it take.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: I forget.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken’s side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken’s people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and uccessfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes.The meeting was held in park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken’s mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken ‘crossed’ the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn’t anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?”

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, “Why did the chicken cross the road?” Rather, it is, “Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?”

CHARLES DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

BILL CLINTON : I did not, and I repeat, did not have sexual relations with that chicken.

Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard working American.
L.A. Police Department: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we’ll find out.
Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I’ve not been told!
Grandpa: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. However, I did ask Vernon Jordan to find the chicken a job in New York.

Proverbs
”Passionate kiss, like spider’s web, soon lead to undoing of fly.”
”Virginity like bubble. One prick, all gone!”
”Man who run behind car get exhausted”
”Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day”
”Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.”
”Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok”
”Man with one chopstick go”
“Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.”
“Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.”
“War doesn’t determine who is right, war determines who is left.
“Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.”
“It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.”
“Man who drive like hell bound to get there.”
“Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.”
“Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.”
“Man who fishes in other man’s well often catches crabs.”
“Man who farts in church sits in own pew.”
“Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.”
“Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.”
“Man who stutters has a lot to say.”

Your family’s so poor, when you go to KFC you have to lick other peoples
fingers!