The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle announced, “Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!”

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, “All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service.”

Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.

Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.

The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus then turns to the old man and says, “Dad, if you don’t stop fooling around, we won’t bring you next time.”

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. “Reverend,” she said, “I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It’s very
embarrassing. What should I do?”

“I have an idea,” said the minister. “Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg.”

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. “And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?” he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

“Jesus!”, Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

“Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones,” said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. “Who is
your redeemer?” he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

“God!” Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

“Right again,” said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, “And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?”

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, “You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I’ll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!”

“Amen,” replied the congregation.

Bill Gates dies and finds himself being sized up by God…

“Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call. I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows ‘95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before. I’m going to let you decide where you want to go.”

Bill replied, “Well, what’s the difference between the two?”

God said, “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it will help your decision.”

“Fine, but where should I go first?” Bill asked.

“I’ll leave that up to you,” God replied.

“Okay then,” said Bill, “let’s try Hell first.”

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. “This is great,” he told God. “If this is hell, I really want to see Heaven.”

“Fine,” said God, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as ell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

“Hmm. I think I’d prefer Hell,” he told God.

“Fine,” replied God, “as you desire.”

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark carves, being burned and tortured by demons, with no one to help him out of his dilemma, no matter how loud he screamed.

“How’s everything going?” He asked Bill.

Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and tormented
disappointment. “This is awful. This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago. I can’t believe this is happening. What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?”

“Oh,” God said, “that was Hell 3.1. This is Hell 95.”

How About Us Spending the Weekend in a Nice Quiet Hotel?

“How about us spending the weekend in a nice quiet hotel?” he whispered in the curvy lady’s ear.

“I’m afraid,” she said, “That my awareness of your proclivities in the
esoteric aspects of sexual behavior precludes you from such erotic
confrontation.”

“I don’t get it,” he said.

“Right!” she replied.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Next time you think you’re perfect, try walking on water.

Q: How does a Jewish wife cheat on her husband?
A: She has a headache with the milkman.

Q: Why did the Jews wander the desert for 40 years?
A: Because someone dropped a quarter.

Abraham wanted to put Windows 95 on his computer, but Isaac was concerned:
“But father, we don’t have enough memory for that!”
“Don’t worry, son, God will provide the RAM.”

Jesus, Joseph, and Mary were doing chores around their home in Nazareth when suddenly, Jesus ran outside to Joseph, and asked, “Did you call me?”

“No, I’m sorry,” Joseph replied, “I just hit my thumb with the hammer,
again.”

One day three monks were told by the minister that today was their day off, to do whatever they want, and at the end of the day, god would forgive them of their sins.

The monks thought this sounded like a good idea so they went off into the city.

At the end of the day the three monks returned to the church and the minister greeted them.

The first monk came up, and the minister asked, “What did you do today”. The monk replied “I robbed an off-license.”

“Good” the minister replied. “Go and drink from the holy water”.

The second monk came up and the minister asked the same question. “I
vandalized a primary school” he answered.

“Good” the minister replied. “Go and drink from the holy water”.

The third monk stepped up and the minister repeated “and what did you do today”. “I pissed in the holy water”, came the reply.

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, “Heaven’s getting pretty close to full today, and I’ve been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what’s your story?”

The first man replies: “Well, for a while I’ve suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn’t reveal where this other guy could have been hiding.
Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn’t you know it, he wouldn’t fall off.
So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn’t stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony.”

“That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,” said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

“It’s been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my
apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn’t hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I’m here.”

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and St. Peter asked for his story.

“Picture this,” says the third man, “I’m hiding naked inside a
refrigerator…”

Two priests were taking a piss in the urinals one day and the one priest looks down and see a nicotine patch on the other guy’s dick. He says “I’m not really a rocket scientist or anything, but, isn’t that supposed to be on your arm?” And the other priest goes “Nah, its working fine. I’m down to two butts a day”!