One day there were two men walking down a dirt path. One of them had a big potato sack over his shoulder. The other decided to ask what was in the sack.
When he asked, the man said, ”I got me some chickens for dinner tonight. Mmm Mmm Mmm… Chicken sure sounds good tonight.”
The other one wanted to know how many chickens were in the sack.
”Well I’ll tell you,” replied the man, ”If you can guess how many chickens I got in this here sack I’ll give them both to you.”
A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life.
He said, “You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If you do, you’ll live to a nice ripe old age.”
So the cowboy did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe old age of 96.
When he died he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren
…and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
…”Bambi” made you hungry for rabbit!
…An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.
…a full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.
…a policeman asks for your ID, and you answer, “About what?”
…a tornado goes through your trailer’s yard and makes it look neater.
…after the divorce you still call your Ex “Cuz”.
…any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
…anytime your kids see a dog they get out their ropes and lasso it and tackle it to the ground.
…at least one of the kitchen appliances on your front porch is more than forty years old.
…baling wire and a pair of pliers are what you consider high tech tools.
…bikers back down from your momma.
…birds are attracted to your beard.
…burger King won’t let you do it your way, right away.
…coons get into everyone else’s trash but yours.
…fewer than half of your cars run.
…going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and a flashlight.
…if you are 20 and you can still go in McDonald’s playhouse.
…if you think Purina is some kind of Ex-Lax.
…in an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
…in the delivery room, your husband says, “That’s worse than skinning a deer!”
…in tough situations you ask yourself, “What would Curly do?”
…instead of flossing you use a plunger.
…instead of locking the doors of your house, you keep a shotgun within reach, “just in case”.
…it’s easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
…motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
…on stag night, you take a real deer.
…on your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
…one of the options on your truck is a spitoon.
…one of your kids was born on a pool table!
…people hear your car long before they see it.
…people mistakenly come to your house thinking your having a yard sale.
…rather than drinking the sacramental wine at church you bring your own!
…red Man sends you a Christmas card.
…santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
…smith and Wesson attended your wedding without an invitation and there was nothing you could do about it.
…taking a dip has nothing to do with water.
…taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
…the ASPCA raids your kitchen.
…the Roto-Rooter man calls for backup when visiting your house.
…the Salvation Army declines your mattress.
…the antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
…the diploma hanging in your den contains the words “Trucking Institute”.
…the dogcatcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
…the fifth grade is referred to as “your senior year.”
…the flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
…the fuel for your main mode of transportation is oats.
…the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
…the highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
…the hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
…the interviewer asks, ‘”Did you know that we are a Fortune 500 Company?’” And you answer, ‘”What track do y’all sponsor that race at? I ain’t been to that one yet.”
Re: DNA Test Results: Clinton, William Jefferson
Dear Mr. Starr:
The test on the dress came back inconclusive. Everyone in Arkansas has the same DNA.
Apologies,
The FBI
What does a redneck say before he gets injured? “Watch this!”
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough.
So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife/cousin did not want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.
The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (big firework), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, ‘I may not be the smartest man, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.’
So the couple drove across the state border into Georgia to get a second opinion.
The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama.
The doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn’t be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count ‘1, 2, 3, 4, 5…’ at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
If your wife says ‘Come move this trasmission so I can take a bath.’… you might be a redneck.
Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar and twists, breaking the dog’s neck.
A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
“Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal,” he writes in his notebook.
“But I’m not a Giants fan,” the little hero replies.
“Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were,” says the reporter.
“Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack,” he writes in his notebook.
“I’m not a Jets fan either,” the boy says.
“I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?” the reporter asks.
“I’m a Cowboys fan,” the child says.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, “Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet”.
Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16 year old students! (Don’t laugh too hard – one of these may be the president someday.)
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets a election.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie
Q: What does “varicose” mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section.”
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Q: What does the word “benign” mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets a election.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains
the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie
Q: What does “varicose” mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section.”
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Q: What does the word “benign” mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets a election.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie
Q: What does “varicose” mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section.”
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look
like umbrellas.
Q: What does the word “benign” mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.
You might be a redneck if your father walks you to school because you’re both in the same grade!
What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?
Their last big hit was The Wall.
You just might possibly be a redneck if your belt buckle is bigger than your head.
If you have no cars that are moblie, and 14 cars that aren’t, then you might be a redneck.
A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number.
The Redneck says, “I want my $20 million.”
To which the man replied, “No sir. It doesn’t work that way. We give you a million today, and then you’ll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.
The Redneck said, “I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it.”
Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, “Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you’re not going to give me my $20 million right now, THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!’’