A married couple go into a restraunt and take a seat, the waiter comes by and says “May I please take you order?” the husband replies “Sure, I’ll have the Rump steak, rare, with a serving of chips on the side” the waiter answers with “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow sir?” the husband says ” No that dumb bitch can order for her self”
Thanks to Geordi
When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near. “You have been with me through all the bad times,” he said.
“When I got fired, you were there. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you stayed by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?”
“What dear?” she asked gently.
“I think you bring me bad luck.”
… kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new church member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and then just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny… He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house … Walked home… And left it there all night.
You Gotta love George.
…, I buy my wife a bouquet of flowers on display near the checkout counter. During one trip, some women in line behind me were oohing and aahing about a husband getting flowers for his wife.
“How often do you do that?” one asked. Before I could answer, the cashier, more than familiar with my routine, said, “Every three months or 3,000 miles, whichever comes first.”
Three friends are in a car driving to the ballgame when a big truck runs them over, killing them instantly.
They find themselves at the Pearly Gates being interviewed by St. Peter. “OK, you,” he says, pointing to Vito, “How many times did you cheat on your wife? And don’t lie, I’m St. Peter you know. ”
Vito hangs his head and replies, “Honestly Pete, I was with two maybe three different broads a week.” St. Peter says, “OK, your car in heaven is that used Geo Metro over there, goodbye.”
He looks at Eddie and asks, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?”
Eddie replies, “I must admit that in 15 years of marriage I did cheat on my wife 3 times.”
St. Peter says, “OK, your car in heaven is that LeBaron, goodbye.”
He then looks at Jacob and asks, “And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?”
Jacob lifts his head high and replies, “I am proud to say that over 20 years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife! In fact, my beloved has been dead for 2 years now and I remained celibate the whole time!”
St. Peter replies, “Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that Ferrari convertible. Goodbye!”
A couple of hours later, Vito and Eddie are waiting for Jacob at the park where all three had planned to meet. Jacob arrives a couple of minutes late in his Ferrari, and his friends notice that he is sobbing like a baby.
Vito asks, “Hey! Whatsamatterwidyou? We should be crying! We’re stuck with these ugly buckets and you got a new Ferrari!”
Jacob, between sobs replies, “I just saw my wife on a skateboard!”
A couple just started their Lamaze class, and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand – to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, “This doesn’t feel so bad.”
The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.
“You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?” the husband asked.
“Exactly,” replied the instructor.
To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, pick up that pen for me.”
Two ladies meet:
-Me and my husband are no longer together…
why?
- well, could you live with a person who smokes weed, drinks, has no
job and always cusses?
No, of course I couldn’t
- well he couldn’t either!
Oh Lord, please have mercy on me, I work so hard, meanwhile my wife stays at home, I would give anything if you would grant me one wish “switch me into my wife” she’s got it easy at home I want to teach her a lesson of how tough a man’s life is.
As God was listening he felt sorry for this soul and granted his wish.
Next morning the “new woman” wakes up at dawn, makes lunch boxes, prepares breakfast, wakes up the kids for school, puts a load of clothes in the washer, takes the meat out of the freezer, drives the kids to school, on his way back stop at the gas station, cashes a check, pays the electricity and phone bills, picks up some clothes from the cleaners, quickly goes to the market. It was 1: 00 o’clock already, he made the beds, took the clothes out of the washer and put another load in, he vacuumed the house, made some rice, went to pick up the kids from school had an argument with the kids. As soon as he got home he fed the kids, washed the dirty dishes, he hung the damp clothes he had washed on the chairs because it was raining outside. He helped the kids with their homework, watched some TV while he ironed some clothes, prepared dinner, he gave the kids a bath and put them to sleep. At 9:00 o’clock he was so tired and he went to bed. Of course there was some more duties and somehow he managed to get them done and finally fell a sleep.
The next morning he prays to God once again:
Oh Lord, what was I thinking when I asked you to grant my wish, I can’t take it anymore. I beg you please switch me back to myself, please oh please.
Then he heard God’s voice speaking to him, saying: Dear son of course I’ll switch you back into yourself but there’s one minor detail, you will have to wait 9 months because last night you got pregnant.
Anywhere you hang your @ is home.
The e-mail of the species is deadlier than the mail.
A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.
Great groups from little icons grow.
Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
C:\ is the root of all directories.
Don’t put all your hypes in one home page.
Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
The modem is the message.
Too many clicks spoil the browse.
The geek shall inherit the earth.
A chat has nine lives.
Don’t byte off more than you can view.
Fax is stranger than fiction.
What boots up must come down.
Windows will never cease.
In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).
Virtual reality is its own reward.
Modulation in all things.
A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
There’s no place like ( http://www.)home(.com)
Know what to expect before you connect.
Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
Speed thrills.
Give a man (or for that matter anyone) a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use The Net and he won’t bother you for weeks.
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: Cause you’re fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A: So what’s your question?
Q: What’s the difference between a 9 month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman’s husband knows what’s good for him.
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you are pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: What does it mean when the baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
The husband asks “I notice you’ve been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?”
“Yes” she replies, “He’s my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago.”
“That’s remarkable” the husband replies, “I wouldn’t think anybody could celebrate that long.”
…, and asked of her husband: “Could you buy me something that goes from 0 to 100 in less than 4 seconds”
With her birthday drawing near, her husband, as always, wanted to fulfill her wish. so he gave her the following …
It is probable that he is now dead.
An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She instructed the artist, “Paint me with diamond earrings, an emerald necklace, a ruby bracelet, and a Rolex watch.”
“But you’re not wearing any of those things!” the artist said.
“I know,” she replied. “But if I should die before my husband, I’m sure he’ll remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry!”
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. His wife turned over and said, “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.” Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear, “Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”