Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
A: Who can tell. Field service engineers are always in the dark.

Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
A: None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.

Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
A: 2. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc)

Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
A: Well, the diagnostics all check out fine, so it’s a software problem.

Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
A: None: “We’ll fix it in software.”

Q: How long will it take?
A: That’s indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs they’ve brought with them.

Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb assassin to break the bulb in the first place.

Q: How many computer journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five-one to write a review of all the existing light bulbs so you can decide which one to buy, another one to write a remarkably similar one in another magazine the next month, a third to have a big one come out on glossy paper two months later that is by then completely out of date, a fourth to hint in his/her column that a completely new and updated bulb is coming out, and the fifth to report a rumor that that new bulb is shipping with a virus.

Q: How many GLC workers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to do it and three to go round putting up posters announcing that the GLC, working for London, is going to change the lightbulb.

Q: How many city planners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six – four to write an extensive study recommending a three-way 100/200/250 watt light bulb, one to write an article in the newspaper praising the study, and one to put in a 10 watt blub instead.

Q: How many operating systems are required to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one-Microsoft is making a special version of Windows for it.

Q: How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 472. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle…

Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but she/he’ll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for him as it would be for a Macintosh user.

Q: How many people does it take to change an object-oriented light bulb?
A: Change it? Aw shucks, I was going to reuse it.

Q: How many Object Oriented programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they send it a message, and it changes itself.

Q: How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The light bulb works fine on the system in my office . . .

Q: How many shipping dept. personnel does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: We can change the bulb in 7-10 working days; if you call before 2pm and pay an extra $15 we can get the bulb changed overnight.

Q: How many gardeners does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to have a debate about whether this is the right time of year to be putting in lightbulbs or daffodil bulbs.

Q: How many gardeners does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one. The new light bulbs are just as easy to change as the older, heavier ones.

Q: How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?
A: You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and you’ll have all the light you need.

Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six–one to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs.

Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has until he finds one that fits, and the other to tell you he thinks he’ll have to replace the whole socket.

Q: How many Englishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What do you mean change it? It’s a perfectly good bloody bulb! We have had it for a thousand years and it has worked just *fine*.

Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two–one to screw it in and one to screw it up.

Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. But she gets promoted three times before she finally finishes screwing it up.

Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, we contract out for things like that.

Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Seven–one to supervise, one to arrange for the electricity to be shut off, one to make sure that safety and quality standards are maintained, one to monitor compliance with local, state, and federal regulations, one to manage personnel relations, one to fill out the paperwork and one to screw the light bulb into the water faucet.

Q: How many Quality managers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: We’ve formed a quality circle to study the problem of why lightbulbs burn out and to determine the best thing we as managers can do to enable lightbulbs to work smarter, not harder.

Q: How many admin assistants does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. I can’t do anything unless you complete a lightbulb design change request form.

Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they only screw the poor.

Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a lightbulb?
A: (Dole) When I was a poor boy growing up in Kansas we didn’t have light bulbs. Now I have the housekeeper do it.

Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a lightbulb?
A: (DuPont) Light bulbs need to be changed? Gosh. I guess the servants have always taken care of that… With a DuPont administration, the power of the free market will be unleashed to produce light bulbs that never need changing.

Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a lightbulb?
A: (Robertson) Oh, Lord, with thy divine illumination, heal this light bulb!

Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a lightbulb?
A: (Kemp) It’s morning in America! Why should we worry about light bulbs? Let those doom-crying Democrats worry about light bulbs! [stumble over chair in the dark].

Q: How many inner-city gang members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Four–one to rob the liquor store to get money for the bulb, one to drive the getaway car, one to screw it in, and one to hold his crack pipe while he does it.

Q: How many Honor Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 22, one to screw it in, 21 to shoot the bulb.

Q: How many ice skaters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw in the bulb, one to hire a hitman on club the other skater on the knee.

Q: How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Who who wants to know?

Q: How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just what exactly do you mean by that?

Q: How many movie actresses does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but you should’ve seen the line outside the producer’s hotel room.

Q: How many movie directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he’s done everyone thinks that his last lightbulb was much better.

Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.

Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.

Q: How many MP’s does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to form a fact-finding committee to learn more about how it’s done.

Q: How many Tory MP’s does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I’m sorry I can’t tell you that, the light bulb changing service has been privatised and the information you require is commercially sensitive.

Q: How many Thatcherites does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. It’s up to the private sector to provide the finance for it.

Q: How many John Majors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to not do anything about it and one to try and blame the failure of the old bulb on the Labour party who put the original bulb in place 17 years ago.

Q: How many Home Secretaries does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None – they merely sack someone else for letting it go out.

Q: How many people at a chess tournament does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Nine. One to complain about the lighting levels, one to say he thinks the lighting is OK, one to suggest someone calls the arbiter, one to go and call the arbiter, one to reminisce about lighting levels at the 1947 tournament at Hastings, one to complain about the disturbance the others are causing, both arbiters, and one to say he thought the lighting was better before they changed the lightbulb.

Q: How many people at a chess tournament does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Here is the current state of research… You need one to complain about the lighting. A second will say he thinks the light is fine. A third suggests the tournament director be called, and number four fetches him. An aged player (5) reminisces about the lighting levels at Nottingham 1936. The director (6) can’t be found, but his deputy (7) arrives. Player eight says that if they increase the lighting levels it will reflect into his eyes. Number nine says they should have fluorescent lighting. Player ten says it’s just a question of replacing the dead lightbulb, but player 11 thinks the bulb hasn’t been working properly since the tournament began. The deputy arbiter asks an assistant arbiter (12) to make up a sign : ‘Bulb defective.’ A democrat (13) suggests taking a vote on whether to change the bulb and a businessman (14) forms the lightbulb changing association (LCA) as a pressure group to argue for better lighting. The world champion (15) is elected chairman. The FIDE president (16) sets up a working party (17-20) to establish agreed lighting levels with the LCA. The LCA chairman then has a row with its other members about direct/indirect lighting, and storms off with his lawyer (21) to found the Association for Changing Lightbulbs (ACL). The challenger for the world title (22) suddenly says he will not play under FIDE lighting. Three sponsors (23-25) emerge to hold the FIDE (direct light), LCA (fluorescent) and ACL (reflected light) championships, but none can match the interest attracted by Fischer (26) playing Spassky (27) with the new Fischer lightbulb, whose incandescence increases the longer you think. The last sane player on earth (28) sneaks into the playing room to change the defective bulb, but his replacement has the wrong fitting. His scream of anguish reveals him, and he is expelled from world chess for creating a disturbance.

Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The Enterprise is transporting a stuffy, pompous Federation diplomat to a crucial peace conference when the bulb burns out. Scotty rigs up some odds and ends that will keep it burning for twenty-four hours but they need to get a replacement in that time. So the ship makes an emergency detour to Alpha Regula IV, the nearest planet with any known light bulb stocks. However, when Kirk, Spock, McCoy and three security men beam down, a Klingon ship appears, so Scotty warps the Enterprise out of orbit. Meanwhile, on the planet, two of the security men are killed by a sentient energy field and the other dies when a native throws a poisoned spear at him. Kirk, Spock and McCoy are taken prisoner by the natives, who mistakenly assume them to be in league with the energy field which has been killing them, too. Kirk realizes that they have tons of light bulbs which could be useful to the Federation, so he attempts to communicate with the chief, who agrees to let Kirk have the light bulbs if he survives a duel with the tribe’s greatest warrior. In a rough, tough and bone crunching fight, Kirk wins at the last minute. In gratitude, the chief allows him to sleep with his daughter, who has fallen in love with him. McCoy cures his wife of her chronic illness and delivers her baby. As they celebrate, the energy field appears and is about to kill everybody when Spock uses a mindmeld to convince it the tribe is not a threat. Meanwhile, in space, Scotty has resisted the entreaties of the diplomat to fall for the Klingons’ phony peace ploy, violating Federation law when he overrules him, but later the diplomat is convinced when Scotty fights them off, and at the last minute, he returns to orbit and beams up the landing party, who now have all the light bulbs the Federation needs. After the last commercial break, they screw it in, and then Kirk, McCoy and Spock sit together on the bridge and make philosophical/humorous comments about what just happened. That stock shot of the Enterprise flying off into the starfield appears, and the episode ends.