A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55
mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at
him and says, “Honey, I know weve been married for 15 years,
but, I want a divorce.”

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60
mph.

She then says, “I dont want you to try to talk me out of
it, because Ive been having an affair with your best friend,
and hes a much better lover than you.”

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his
anger increases.

She says, “I want the house.” Again the husband speeds up,
and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, “I want the kids, too.”

The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now hes
up to 80 mph.

She says, “I want the car, the checking account, and all the
credit cards, too.”

The husband slowly starts to veer toward
a bridge overpass piling, as she says, “Is there anything
you want?”

The husband says, “No, Ive got everything I need.”

She asks, “Whats that?”

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph,
“Ive got the airbag!”

(No offense intended or implied)
1) Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2) Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3) You know stuff about tanks.
4) A 5-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5) Monday Night Football.
6) You don’t have to monitor your friends’ sex lives.
7) Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8) You can open all your own jars.
9) Old friends don’t give a crap whether you’ve lost or gained weight.
10) Dry cleaners and haircutters don’t rob you blind.

23. If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn’t put on weight.
24. No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.
25. A big cup or small cup? It doesn’t matter.
26. Your coffee doesn’t talk to you.
27. Coffee smells good in the morning.
28. Coffee is good when it’s cold too.
29. Coffee stains are easier to remove.
30. Coffee doesn’t care when you dunk things in it.
31. Coffee doesn’t really care what kind of mood you’re in.
32. Coffee doesn’t shed.
33. Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less.
34. You can’t get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting cream in it.
35. Coffee doesn’t mind being ground.
36. No matter how bad coffee is, you can always make it better.
37. Coffee doesn’t have a time of the month…it’s good all the time.
38. When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.
39. When you have a coffee, you don’t end up with a pube in the back of your throat.
40. Coffee doesn’t take up half your bed.
41. Coffee doesn’t mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide you want some.
42. INSTANT COFFEE!
43. You can have an intelligent conversation over coffee.
44. It can take up to 2 weeks for coffee to grow mold.
45. Coffee doesn’t mind sleeping on its wet spot
46. You can pickup some coffee at a 7/11 any hour of the night
47. Having a cup of coffee wakes you up instead of putting you to sleep
48. You can put your lips to a cup of coffee without buying it dinner first
49. Coffee doesn’t require hours of diddling foreplay. It’s served hot.
50. A hot woman spilled on your lap isn’t worth $4 Million.
51. You can get coffee out of a machine, and press a few buttons to get it just the way you like it.
52. Even prisoners are allowed to have coffee
53. You don’t have to tell coffee you love it.
54. Coffee doesn’t ride the brakes in your Porsche
55. You don’t have to be beautiful or rich to get a fresh cup every morning
56. A cup of coffee doesn’t require a line to pick up
57. A friend will buy you a donut AND a coffee
58. There’s always coffee to be had
59. Coffee doesn’t expect you to maintain its vehicle
60. Great coffee only costs a buck more than the cheap stuff

Why Coffee is better than Women – Part I
1.You don’t have to put cream in your coffee to make it taste good.
2.Coffee doesn’t complain when you put whipped cream in it.
3.A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.
4.You won’t fall asleep after a cup of coffee.
5.You can always warm coffee up.
6. Coffee comes with endless refills.
7. Coffee is cheaper.
8. You won’t get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM.
9. Coffee never runs out.
10. Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.
11. You can take black coffee home to meet your parents.
12. You can make coffee as sweet as you want.
13. You can smoke while drinking coffee.
14. You can grind out a cigarette in a cup of coffee.
15. Coffee smells and tastes good.
16. You don’t have to put vinegar in your coffee.
17. If your coffee pot leaks, you can use a regular paper towel.
18. You can always get fresh coffee.
19. You can put coffee on, leave the room, and it’ll be ready when you get back.
20. They sell coffee at police stations.
21. You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.
22. Coffee goes down easier.

A young woman was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking.
Her friend asked her,”Why did you cut off the end of the ham”?
And she replied ,”I really don’t know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to.”
Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied, “I really don’t know, but that’s the way my mom always did it.”
A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, “Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?”
Her grandmother replied, “Well dear, otherwise it would never fit into my baking pan.”

In her own eyes, Julia was the most popular girl around. “A lot of men are going to be totally miserable when I marry.”

“ Really?” said her date, “And just how many men are you intending to marry?”

As the Broadway showgirls were dressing for a performance, one of them noticed her friend was no longer sporting a flashy engagement ring. “What happened, Lily?” she asked, pointing to the bare finger. “The wedding off?”

“ Yeah,” Lily admitted. “I saw him in a bathing suit last week, and he looked so different without his wallet.”

T-Shirt Sayings for Women Who Take No Crap

I’m busy. You’re ugly. Have a nice day.

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Remember my name – you’ll be screaming it later.

Of course I don’t look busy … I did it right the first time.

Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

I’m multi-talented: I can talk and tick you off at the same time.

Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

Don’t tick me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.

You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP!

Guys have feelings too. But like … who cares?

I don’t believe in miracles. I rely on them.

Next mood swing: six minutes.

I hate everybody and you’re next.

Please don’t make me kill you.

And your point is … ?

I used to be a schizophrenic, but we’re OK now.

All stressed out and no one to choke.

I’m one of those bad things that happen to good people.

How can I miss you if you won’t go away?

Sorry if I looked interested. I’m not.

An old woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office
Building. A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, “Giorgio – Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!”

The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very
arrogantly turns to the old woman and says,”Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!”

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her floor and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, she bends over, and farts – and says, “Broccoli – 49 cents a pound.”

A rich, lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life, so she placed a personal ad that read: Rich Widow Looking for Man to Share Life and Fortune with the Following Qualifications:

1. WON’T BEAT ME UP
2. WON’T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, “Who are you and what do you want?”

“ Hi,” said the man “Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I’ve got no arms, so I can’t beat you up and I’ve got no legs, so I can’t run away.”

The old woman asked, “What makes you think you’re so great in bed?”

To which he replied, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

An American woman, a British woman, and an Italian woman were having lunch.

The American woman said, “I told my husband that I wasn’t going to clean the house anymore. If he wanted it clean, he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I didn’t see anything. The second day I didn’t see anything. Then, on the third day, voila! My husband had cleaned the whole house!”

The British woman agreed. “I told my husband that I wasn’t going to do the laundry anymore. If he wanted it done he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I didn’t see anything. The second day, I didn’t see anything. Then, on the third day, voila! My husband had done both his and my laundry!”

The Italian woman chimed in, “I told my husband that I wasn’t going to cook anymore. If he wanted home cooking he would have to either go by his mother or cook for himself. After the first day, I didn’t see anything. The second day, I didn’t see anything. Then, on the third day, I began to see a little out of my left eye.”

How Women Are Better Than Dogs

It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.

Women look good in sweaters.

Women leave the room to fart.

Though they only have two, women’s breasts are far more interesting.

How Dogs and Women Are Alike

Both look stupid in hats.

Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.

Both tend to have “hip” problems.

Neither understands football.

Both look good in a fur coat.

Both are good at pretending that they’re listening to every word you say.

Neither believes that silence is golden.

Both constantly want back rubs.

Neither can balance a checkbook.

You can never tell what either of them is thinking.

Both put too much value on kissing.

Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.