kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the
message never sunk in.
Finally I thought of a clever way to make the point. When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time, and then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments, and when he came out again he handed me a toothbrush.
“When you finish cutting the grass,” he said, “you might as well sweep the sidewalks”.
He will be just fine when they take the casts off.

Husband: I hear that fish is good for our brain.
Wife: You had better eat a whale.
Anne: “How long can a person live without brains?”
Billy: “I don’t know. How old are you?”
Father: Don’t you think our son gets all his brains from me?
Mother: Probably. I still have all mine.
Dan: She’s a bright girl…she has brains enough for two.
Jim: Then she’s just the girl for you.

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising.
Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
- “Hello?”
- “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
- “Yes.”
- “Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a
beautiful mink coat. It’s absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?”
- “What’s the price?”
- “Only $1,500.00.”
- “Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much…”
- “Ash, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models.
I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price… and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year…”

- “What price did he quote you?”
- “Only $60,000…”
- “OK, but for that price you should insist on all the options.”
- “Great! But before we hang up, something else…”
- “What?”
- “It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and… I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It’s on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property…”
- “How much are they asking?” – “Only $450,000 – a magnificent price… and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover…”
- “Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?”
- “OK, sweetie…Thanks! I’ll see you later!! I love you!!!”
- “Bye…I do too…”
The man hangs up, closes the phone’s flap. He raises his hand, holding the phone, and asks: “Does anyone know whom this phone belongs to?”

A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age.

The husband responded “When we were first married we came to an agreement. I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all of the minor decisions.

And now after 60 years of marriage I can truthfully say that we have never needed to make a MAJOR decision.”

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said “yes”.

The next morning when he awoke, he couldn’t remember what her answer was! “Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny…”

After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn’t remember her answer to the marriage proposal.

“Oh”, she said, “I’m so glad you called. I remembered saying ‘yes’ to someone, but I couldn’t remember who it was.”

Ever notice that a human baby doesn’t walk until it’s tall enough to reach a parent’s hand?
·Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the drive before it has stopped snowing.
·”There is only one pretty child in the world and every parent has It.” – Chinese Proverb.
·I asked Mom if I was a gifted child …she said they certainly wouldn’t have paid for me.
·Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.
·Children will soon forget your presents, but they will always remember your presence.
·Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.
·The main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
·Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.
·We did have to childproof our home about 3 years ago … but somehow they still get in!
·Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
·Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your children.
·Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
·When mama isn’t happy, isn’t anybody happy.
·You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can never fool a Mom.
·I love to give homemade gifts …, which one of my kids does you, want?
·A child’s greatest period of growth is the month after you’ve purchased new school clothes.
·Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.
·The best inheritance parents can give their children is a few minutes of their time each day.

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,” said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence.
Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.
Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me. One for
you.” He knew what it was. “Oh, my goodness!” he shuddered, “It’s Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!”

He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
“ Come quick!” he said, “You won’t believe what I heard. Satan and St.Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls.” The old man said, “Shoo, you brat!
Can’t you see I’m finding it hard to walk as it is!”

After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one…” The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been telling’ the truth! Let’s see if we can see the Devil himself.”
Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see
anything, but they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That’s all. Let’s go get those nuts by the fence, and we’ll be done.”

They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!

A monastery in the English countryside had fallen on hard times, and decided to establish a business to defray their expenses, such as a bakery or winery.
Being English, however, they decided to open a fish-and-chips restaurant. The establishment soon became very popular, attracting people from all over. One city fellow, thinking himself clever, asked one of the brothers standing nearby, “I suppose you’re the ‘fish friar’?” “No”, answered the brother levelly, “I’m the ‘chip monk”.

An old lady, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse, broke her leg. As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs. Several months later, the doctor took off the cast. “Can I climb stairs now?” asked the little old lady. “Yes,” he replied. “Thank goodness!” she said. “I’m sick and tired of shinnying up and down that drainpipe!”

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about
things. “Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?” he asked his mother.
“He thinks a lot,” replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband’s baldness. Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked, “So why do you have so much hair?”

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers.
When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
“ Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?” he yelled forcefully.
No one answered.
“ All right, I’m going to have another beer, and if my horse isn’t back
outside by the time I finish, I’m going to do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!”
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go, what happened in Texas?”
The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home”.