1. They always wear protection
2. They have great hands
3. They are used to scoring
4. They have great stamina
5. They find the opening and get it in
6. They never miss the target
7. They know how to use their wood
8. They have long sticks
9.They know when to play rough
10. Because baseball players only know how to hit balls.

10. SHE’S A GOBLIN!
9. I’D LIKE TO GET A LITTLE SOMETHIN IN THE SACK TONIGHT.
8. JUST GET ON YOUR HANDS AND KNEES AND BOB YOUR HEAD.
7. SHE’S GOT A COUPLE OF NICE PUMPKINS ON HER PORCH.
6. IF YOU JUST LICK IT, IT WILL LAST LONGER.
5. LET ME SEE YOUR BIG SACK.
4. CAN I EAT YOUR ZAGNUTS?
3. HAVE YOUR MOM CHECK IT BEFORE YOU PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH.
2. YOU SCARED ME STIFF!
1. HE’S GOT CANDY SPREAD OUT ON THE LIVING ROOM FLOOR!

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he said.
“An ambulance just drove by.”
A few moments passed.
“Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out.
“Matt’s riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopie.”
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. “How do you know that?” the startled father asked.
“Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,” his son replied.

How many IBM employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
10,000: one to hold up the light bulb, and 9,999 to turn the building around.

What’s a polygon?
A dead parrot.

Three men all die on Christmas Day, and arrive at the pearly gates. Peter greets them and tells them that they are all evil men who SHOULD go to hell – but because it’s Christmas, he’ll let them into heaven if they have something representing the holiday with them.

One of the guys has a Christmas ornament, and gets let in. Another guy has pine needles on his shirt, and gets let in. The third guy pulls out a pair of panties.

“How do those represent Christmas?” asks Peter.

“These are Carol’s.”

And the Lord spoke to Noah: ”In six months I’m going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark.”And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.

”Okay,” said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

”Six months, and it starts to rain,” thundered the Lord. ”You’d better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time.”

And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.

”Noah,” shouted the Lord, “where is my Ark?” A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis.

”Lord, please forgive me,” begged Noah. “I did my best, but there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn’t meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we got 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.

Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn’t complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.

Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. And the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I’m trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really don’t think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years,” Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled.

”You mean you’re not going to destroy the earth?” Noah asked, hopefully.

”Wrong!” thundered the Lord. ”But being Lord of the Universe has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the earth, but with something far worse than a flood. Something man invented himself.”

”What’s that?” asked Noah. There was a long pause, and then the Lord spoke:

”Government.”

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?He sold his soul to Santa.

While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and he began a conversation. Cowboy: “Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?”Indian: “Dog no talk.”

Cowboy: “Hey dog, how’s it going?”

Dog: “Doin’ alright.”

Indian:( Look of shock )

Cowboy:”Is this Indian your owner?” ( Pointing at the Indian )

Dog: “Yep.”

Cowboy: “How does he treat you?”

Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”

Indian:( Look of disbelief )

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”

Indian: “Horse no talk.”

Cowboy: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”

Horse: “Good.”

Indian:( Extreme look of shock )

Cowboy: “Is this your owner?” ( Pointing at the Indian )

Horse: “Yep.”

Cowboy: “How does he treat you?”

Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me.”

Indian:( Complete look of utter amazement )

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”

Indian: “Sheep liar.”

It was mailman George’s last day on the job after 35 years of delivering the mail through all kinds of weather. When he arrived at the first house on his route, the whole family came out, roundly congratulated him, and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the next house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he’d had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge.

“All this is just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for?”

“Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, ‘Screw him. Give him a dollar.’”

“Breakfast was my idea.”

A blonde goes into a library and says, “Hello. I’m here to see the doctor.”The librarian replies, “This is a library.”

So the blonde lowers her voice and says, “Oh sorry!” Then whispers, “I’m here to see the doctor.”

A Polish man was taking a flight on a commercial airliner. The airliner had 4 engines, which is quite normal. About an hour into the flight, a loud BOOM occurred.

The flight attendant came over the intercom and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we have blown an engine, but there is no need to worry. We still have three engines, I repeat, we still have three engines.”

Everyone stayed calm.

About another hour later, another boom.

The flight attendant comes over the intercom. “Ladies and gentlemen, we have blown another engine, but there is no need to worry! We still have two more engines to go!”

The people stayed calm.

An hour later, the same situation. Now only one engine remained.

Then, the Polish man stood up and said outloud, “Man! If this keeps up, we could be up here all day!”

Whats another name for a push-up bra?
False advertisement.