It was the final examination for an introductory Biology course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 500 students in the class! The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Half of an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet. “You’re not going to have time to finish this,” the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet. “Yes I will,” replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. An hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.”No you don’t, I’m not going to accept that. It’s late.” The student looked incredulous and angry. “Do you know who I am?” “No, as a matter of fact I don’t,” replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice. “Do you know who I am?” the student asked again in a louder voice. “No, and I don’t care.” replied the professor with an air of superiority. “Good,” replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: “Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing.”Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: “Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class.”
At a university, a lecture is in progress about sexual anomalies. Professor asks the students, “How do we call a man who wants, but can’t?”
“Impotent,” the choir of students answers.
“Right. And how do we call a man who can but wouldn’t?”
After a minute of silence, one female student jumps up and shouts, “A
One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather. The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.
“I am going to eat you for lunch!” said the fox.
“Wait!” replied the rabbit, “You should at least wait a few days.”
“Oh yeah? Why should I wait?”
“Well, I am just finishing my thesis on ‘The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.’”
“Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that a fox will always win over a rabbit.”
“Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come into my hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced, you can go ahead and have me for lunch.”
“You really are crazy!” But since the fox was curious and had nothing to lose, it went with the rabbit. The fox never came out.
A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and sure enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to set upon her.
“Wait!” yelled the rabbit, “You can’t eat me right now.”
“And why might that be, my furry appetizer?”
“I am almost finished writing my thesis on ‘The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.’”
The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its grip on the rabbit. “Maybe I shouldn’t eat you; you really are sick … in the head. You might have something contagious.”
“Come and read it for yourself; you can eat me afterward if you disagree with my conclusions.”
So the wolf went down into the rabbit’s hole and never came out.
The rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating in the local lettuce patch. Another rabbit came along and asked, “What’s up? You seem very happy.”
“Yup, I just finished my thesis.”
“Congratulations. What’s it about?”
“‘The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.’”
“Are you sure? That doesn’t sound right.”
“Oh yes. Come and read it for yourself.” So together they went down into the rabbit’s hole.
As they entered, the friend saw the typical graduate abode, albeit a rather messy one after writing a thesis. The computer with the controversial work was in one corner. And to the right there was a pile of fox bones, on the left a pile of wolf bones. And in the middle was a large, well-fed lion.
The Moral of the Story:
The title of your thesis doesn’t matter. The subject doesn’t matter. The research doesn’t matter. All that matters is who your advisor is.
Here is a list of the ways professors grade their final exams:
DEPT OF STATISTICS:
- All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.
DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY:
- Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.
DEPT OF HISTORY:
- All students get the same grade they got last year.
DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY:
- What is a grade?
- Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.
DEPT OF MATHEMATICS:
- Grades are variable.
DEPT OF LOGIC:
- If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.
DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE:
- Random number generator determines grade.
- Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note. (+ and – would be sharp and flat respectively)
- That it didn’t matter how late I scheduled my first class; I’d sleep right through it.
- That I could change so much and barely realize it.
- That college kids throw airplanes too.
- That if you wear polyester everyone will ask you, “Why are you so dressed up?”
- That every clock on campus shows a different time.
- That if you were smart in high school–so what?
- That I would go to a party the night before a final.
- That Chemistry labs require more time than all my classes put together.
- That you can know everything and fail a test.
- That you can know nothing and ace a test.
- That I could get used to almost anything I found out about my roommate.
- That MOST of my education would be obtained outside of my classes.
- That I would be one of those people my parents warned me about.
- That free food served until 10:00 is gone by 9:50.
- That Sunday is a figment of the world’s imagination.
- That Psychology is really Biology, and that Biology is really Chemistry,
- That Chemistry is really Physics, and Physics is really Math.
A sweet young thing took her seat on opening day of her college class. The young man behind her tapped her on the shoulder and said, “Why are you wearing a football jersey?” She replied, “Why, I bought it and own it, why shouldn’t I wear it?” He said, “You’re not supposed to wear it unless you’ve made the team.” “Oh,” she replied sweetly, “Who did I miss?”
10. You can usually find someone to do it with.
9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.
8. You can finish early with-out feelings of guilt or shame.
7. When you open a book, you don’t have to worry about who else has opened it.
6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
5. If you don’t finish a chapter you won’t gain a reputation as a “book
4. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.
3. You don’t get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
2. You don’t have to put your beer down to do it.
1. If you aren’t sure what you’re doing, you can always ask your roommate for help!
The student*not necessarily a well-prepared student*sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed:
“Give four advantages of breast milk. “What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best.
1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can’t steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.
Um. So far so good…maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer.
Again,what to write? Once more he sighed. He frowned. He scowled. Then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly he scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers.
A female teacher walked into the class and saw a giant penis realistically depicted on the black board.
“Who did it?” she asked.
“I demand that those who did it admit it!”
“The last time, who did it?”
“You won, it was me,” Peter said from the last row.
“Now everybody shall leave the room except for Peter,” the teacher said.
The students walked out. Minute passed. Then five, then ten… After half an hour, Peter walked out, and, zipping up his fly, said, “The main thing is advertisement.”
You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
Your potted plants stay alive.
Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
You have to pay your own credit card bill.
You haven’t seen a soap opera in over a year.
8:00 a.m. is not early.
You have to file your own taxes.
You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
You’re not carded anymore.
You carry an umbrella.
Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.
You start watching the Weather Channel.
Jeans and baseball caps aren’t staples in your wardrobe.
You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
You go to parties that the police don’t raid.
Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.
Your car insurance goes down, except when you move to Jersey.
You refer to college students as kids.
You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum. Well, some of us still drink rum.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of Taco Bell.
You’re waking up at 6 a.m. instead of going to bed.
College sweatshirts are ‘casual’ instead of dress up.
Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.
Dinner and a movie — the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPN Sportscenter, and MTV News.
Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone’s and Mad Dog.
You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food.
When drinking, you say at least once per night.
Three girls are sitting around, totally bored so one girl
suggests that they make up nicknames for their ideal
boyfriends and name them after soda pops.
“I want mine to be 7-Up, ’cause 7 days a week he’s up.”
“I want mine to be Mountain Dew ’cause when he’s in between
my mountains, we’ll be doing it.”
“Mine’s gonna be Jack Daniel’s.”
“You can’t do that. Here we are talking about soda pop and
you’re talking about a hard liquor.”