January 20: take oath to uphold the honor and dignity of the office of
president of the united states. nudge rehnquist, ask what he’s wearing under that dress.
january 23: award presidential medal of freedom to ralph nader.
january 24: help alec baldwin pack.
january 30: memo to jeb: in your face, poindexter!
january 31: get people working on stuff.
february 3: bring democrats and republicans together.
february 4: bring peanut butter and chocolate together.
february 5: unite north, south dakota; north, south carolina; new, old
mexico.
february 7: get loaded, fail to name designated driver, don’t tell
anyone for 25 years, usher in an era of personal responsibility.
february 9: change pitch and tone of washington to something that will only annoy dogs.
february 12: replace affirmative action with affirmative access. replace medicare with med cool. replace department of transportation with department of fantabulation.
february 18: offer jeb important cabinet position, possibly
secretary of my a******.
february 20: invite nra executives into oval office to write legislation, play madden nfl 2001.
march 1-march 31: halftime!
april 1: plant flowers in rose garden: daisies?
april 7: give younger workers the opportunity to responsibly invest a portion of their payroll taxes in ebay bids.
april 9: open up yellowstone national park, the appalachian trail and
chappaqua, ny for oil exploration.
april 12: state dinner for emperor akihito of japan. does “samurai dry
cleaner” sketch.
april 15: replace soft bigotry of low expectations with hard nougat of candy.
april 18: try oval office fellatio (once or twice; what’s the harm?).