Funny Jokes – Blonde Jokes

Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
Yes, pregnancy.

There was this motel where this guy came in to rent a room. A few minutes later he comes out and tells the clerk ” Man can you give me another room the flies are awful”.

Some time later this redneck comes in and the clerk says to himself,I think I”ll give the room with the flies to the redneck.

All went well till redneck’s time to checkout the clerk asked “how was every thing?”

The redneck replied “Ok expect for the flies they were a bother till I grouped them.”
“You grouped them, What do you mean?”
“I took a dump in the corner.”

Thanks to P.J. Vincent

There is a small business in a small town.
The business was about to be shut down so the boss was giving a motivational speech so they would’t lose the business. “Only I have the key to success, and I want to share with you so let’s get out there and make sure this business stays open!” He finished everyone clapped including his blonde secretary.
So at the next day at work when the boss took his coat off and put his keys in the box everyone puts there keys in. And a few minutes later he came out of his office to find his (blonde) secretary sitting at her desk playing with his keys. “What are you doing?” He asked her. “Yesterday at your speech you said you had the KEY of success.”

Thanks to Alice Hunter

1) The water-proof towel

2) Solar powered flashlight

3) Submarine screen door

4) A book on how to read

5) Inflatable dart board

6) A dictionary index

7) Ejector seat in a helicopter

8 ) Powdered water

9) Pedal-powered wheel chair

10) Water-proof tea bag

When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near. “You have been with me through all the bad times,” he said.

“When I got fired, you were there. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you stayed by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?”

“What dear?” she asked gently.

“I think you bring me bad luck.”

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over.

When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket.

He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde,

‘Stand in that circle and DON’T MOVE!’.

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.

When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, ‘Oh you think that’s funny? Watch this!’

He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.

When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.

He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.

Now she’s laughing.

The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.

He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

‘What’s so funny?’ the truck driver asked the blonde.

She replied, ‘Every time you weren’t looking, I stepped outside the circle!!

Two blondes rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fishes.

One guy said to his friend, “Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow.”

The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same guy asked his friend, “Did you mark that spot?”

His friend replied, “Yeah, I put a big ‘X’ on the bottom of the boat.”

The first one said, “You stupid fool! What if we don’t get that same boat today!?!?”

When you look at every greeting card as a possible tag.

When you buy a new coat, and tell others it’s your new Raster Layer.

When you see a frown on someone’s face & you tell them to put a bezier curve on.

When you sign papers and you are frantically looking for your tag to put on them.

When you tell people you put on your gem tubes instead of your earrings.

When you can tell what fonts are being used in TV commercials.

When other women complain of PMS you think of PSP.

When you look at pictures on people’s walls and think “I could have put a better frame on them than that!”

When your idea of “marching ants” differs from the little columns of black insects roving through your kitchen.

When you go to the paint store and ask where the “custom” brushes are.

When you think it would be so much easier to flood fill your walls instead of painting them.

When the word “challenge” makes you instantly look for a picture at the end of the sentence.

When you are in the hot sun you look around you for a drop shadow to sit under.

When your boss gives you a new assignment and you ask if there is a tutorial for it.

… kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new church member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and then just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny… He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house … Walked home… And left it there all night.

You Gotta love George.

Q: Why is it so difficult to take a group photo of a bunch of West Virginians?

A: Because everytime the photographer yells “Cheese!” they all line up!’

…, I buy my wife a bouquet of flowers on display near the checkout counter. During one trip, some women in line behind me were oohing and aahing about a husband getting flowers for his wife.

“How often do you do that?” one asked. Before I could answer, the cashier, more than familiar with my routine, said, “Every three months or 3,000 miles, whichever comes first.”

Three friends are in a car driving to the ballgame when a big truck runs them over, killing them instantly.

They find themselves at the Pearly Gates being interviewed by St. Peter. “OK, you,” he says, pointing to Vito, “How many times did you cheat on your wife? And don’t lie, I’m St. Peter you know. ”

Vito hangs his head and replies, “Honestly Pete, I was with two maybe three different broads a week.” St. Peter says, “OK, your car in heaven is that used Geo Metro over there, goodbye.”

He looks at Eddie and asks, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?”

Eddie replies, “I must admit that in 15 years of marriage I did cheat on my wife 3 times.”

St. Peter says, “OK, your car in heaven is that LeBaron, goodbye.”

He then looks at Jacob and asks, “And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?”

Jacob lifts his head high and replies, “I am proud to say that over 20 years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife! In fact, my beloved has been dead for 2 years now and I remained celibate the whole time!”

St. Peter replies, “Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that Ferrari convertible. Goodbye!”

A couple of hours later, Vito and Eddie are waiting for Jacob at the park where all three had planned to meet. Jacob arrives a couple of minutes late in his Ferrari, and his friends notice that he is sobbing like a baby.

Vito asks, “Hey! Whatsamatterwidyou? We should be crying! We’re stuck with these ugly buckets and you got a new Ferrari!”

Jacob, between sobs replies, “I just saw my wife on a skateboard!”

A couple just started their Lamaze class, and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand – to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, “This doesn’t feel so bad.”

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

“You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?” the husband asked.

“Exactly,” replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, pick up that pen for me.”

When you go fishing and you catch something, that’s good. If you’re making love and you catch something, that’s bad.

Fish don’t compare you to other fishermen neither and don’t want to know how many other fish you caught.

In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In loving you lie about the one you caught.

You can catch and release a fish, you don’t have to lie and promise to still be friends after you let it go.

You don’t have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.

You can catch a fish on a 20-cent nightcrawler. If you want to catch a woman you’re talking dinner and a movie minimum.

Fish don’t mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.