Funny Jokes – Blonde Jokes

Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, “I’m going to become a lion tamer.”
The other replies, “That’s crazy, you don’t know nothing about no lion taming.”
“Yes I do!”
“Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?”
“Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down.”

“Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?”

“Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down.”

“Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?”

“Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him.”

“Well, what if that gun doesn’t work? What will you do then?”

“Well, then I pick up some of the shit that’s on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage.”

“Well, what if there ain’t no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?”

“Well, that’s dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don’t work, there’s going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that.”

There once was a cop who was surveying a car crash.
There were two people that had died in the crash. When he saw a monkey come out of the wreck the cop said “Man I wish you could talk,” the cop told the monkey.
“Then you could tell me what happened.”
“Oh but I can,” replied the monkey.

“Well what were the couple doing?” questioned the cop.

“Kissing” replied the monkey.

“They were kissing?” asked the cop.

“Yes, answered the monkey, and smoking.”

“At the same time?!” cried the cop.

“Yes, and drinking” replied the monkey.

“So let me get this straight, said the cop. “They were kissing, smoking, and drinking at the same time.”

“Yep” answered the monkey.

“Then what were you doing?” asked the cop.

“Driving,” answered the monkey

Late one night a couple is driving down a country highway and run over an oppossum.
Knowing that mother oppossums often carry babies in their pouch, they decide to check out this poor animal.
Sure enough there was a baby, so they decide to rescue it.
They take it into the car and continue down the road.
The little oppossum is scared and squirming around like crazy so the wife asks her husband what she should do?
He thinks for a minute and says, ” Well it’s used to being in it’s mother’s pouch. Maybe if you unbutton your jeans, and put it in “there” it will calm down.”
She exclaims, ” I’m not going to do that! That thing is smelly and nasty!”
The husband replies,” Well, why don’t you just hold it’s little nose!”

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and says, ”All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ‘ALLLLEEE OOOP!’ really loudly in the horse’s ear. Providing you do that, you’ll be fine.”

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers ‘Aleeee ooop’ in the horse’s ear. The same thing happens, the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ”It’s no good, I’ll have to do it,” and yells, ”ALLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, ”Nothing is wrong with me -it’s this bloody horse. What is he- deaf or something?”

The trainer replies, ”Deaf?? DEAF?? He’s not deaf–he’s BLIND!”

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda’s eyes were now open, and she looked very strange.

He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she’d been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could jump high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence.
But he was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo.
The next day, a twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out.
When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, “How high do you think they’ll go?”
The kangaroo said, “About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!”

After a hard day at the office, three guys decide to go out for a cocktail to wind down. The bar becomes very crowded, a few drinks turns into many and soon everyone is tanked. All three lose track of each other and end up going home separately.
The next day at the office, the three gather by the watercooler to discuss the past evenings events. The first guy says, “I got so drunk last night that I went home and blew chunks.” The second guy pipes in, “That’s nothing. I got so drunk that I got in my car and drove it right into a telephone pole. Totaled it. I didn’t get hurt but now I have no car.” The third guy says, “Well, I got so drunk that when I got home, I cussed my girlfriend out and knocked over a candle which lit the
apartment on fire. She dumped me, all my belongings are destroyed and the home insurance won’t cover the damage.”

The first guy motions the two to come closer and whispers, “I’m not sure you understand. Chunks is my dog.”

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop.
The frog said “Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes… Bear, you go first.” The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said “I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female.”
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.
It was the bear’s second turn for a wish. “Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well.”
Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.
For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, “I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female.” The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said “I wish that the bear was gay…”

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up.As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. ‘Wow, this is great,’ he thought.
It wasn’t long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free, having fun and nibbling at the lush grass.

Hey,” he called. “I’m a rabbit from the laboratory and I’ve just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?”

“Yes. Come and join us,” they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good, unlike his tasteless food he grew up with. “What else do you wild rabbits do?” he asked. “Well,” one of them said. “You see that field there? It’s got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.” This he couldn’t resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, “What else do you do?”

“You see that field there? It’s got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.” The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. “Is there anything else you guys do?” he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. “There’s one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there,” he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. “They’re girls. We shag them. Go and try it.” Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. “That was fantastic,” he panted. “So are you going to live with us then?” one of them asked. “I’m sorry, I had a great time but I can’t.” The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. “Why? We thought you liked it here.”

“I do,” our friend replied. “But I must get back to the laboratory. I’m dying for a cigarette.”

A panda bear walks into a bar, and tells the bartender that he wants to have lunch. The bartender gives him a menu and he orders.
The panda bear eats his lunch, and when he finishes, he gets up to leave. Suddenly, the panda bear pulls an AK-47 out of his fur, and shoots the bar to pieces. He then heads for the door.

The shocked bartender jumps out from behind the destroyed bar and yells, “Hey, what do you think you’re doing? You ate lunch, shot up my bar, and now you’re just going to leave?”

The panda bear answers calmlly, “I’m a panda bear.” The bartender says, “Yeah, so?” The panda bear replies, “Look it up,” and walks out the door.

The bartender jumps back behind the ruined bar and grabs his encyclopedia. He looks up “panda bear,” and sure enough, there is a picture of the panda bear.

He reads the caption, which says, “Panda Bear-a cuddly, black and white creature. Eats shoots and leaves.”

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss-back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the [bleep]ing cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13. Tie the little [bleep]‘s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

The British Phone System

It is common practice in England to ring a telephone by signaling extra voltage across one side of the two wire circuit and ground (earth in England). When the subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the two wire circuit for the conversation. This method allows two parties on the same line to be signaled without disturbing each other.

Anyway, an elderly lady with several pets called to say that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called, and that on the few occasions when it did ring her dog always barked first. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber’s house. The phone didn’t ring. He tried again. The dog barked loudly, followed by a ringing telephone.

Climbing down form the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. A dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground post via an iron chain and collar.
2. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current.
3. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and urinating on the ground.
4. The wet ground now completed the circuit and the phone would ring

Which shows you that some problems can be fixed by just pissing on them.

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, “Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.”

So the Doberman says, “I love liver and cheese.” The Collie replies, “That’s not good enough.”

The Bulldog says, “I hate liver and cheese.” She says, “That’s not creative enough.”

Finally, the Chihuahua says, “Liver alone . . . cheese mine.”

A is for Alcohol :The key to surviving college

B is for Beer :The most disgusting alcohol of all, but great for chugging

C is for Class :What you’re supposed to get up and go to after a Thursday night party

D is for Dancing :A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks pathetic

E is for Emergency :The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your drinking party

F is for Fucked-Up :Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out

G is for Games :Anything that involves cards, dice and chugging beers

H is for Hang-over :Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank

I is for Idiot :The guy that spilled his beer on you and everyone else at the party

J is for Jail :Where you’ll end up after trying to use a fake ID or stagger home

K is for Kissing :What you’ll do to anything that moves after 15 beers

L is for Lord erson you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol

M is for Money :That which you no longer have due to too much partying

N is for Not Again! :What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don’t know

P is for Pee :What you have to do every five minutes while you’re drinking beer

Q is for Quilt :What you puked on last night in bed and have to clean in the morning

R is for Reform :What you promise god you will do while you’re puking in the toilet

S is for Sex :What you did with that person you met last night while you were drunk

T is for Ten :The number of beers it takes ME to get drunk

U is for Underage :Most of the drinking population in college town

V is for Vodka :The mother of all alcohols and the best way to get drunk in an hour

W is for Worm :The part of Tequila that reminds you of Biology class tomorrow

X is for X-Ray :How they can see into your stomach before they pump it

Y is for Yourself :The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every week-end

Z is for Zoned :How you will be for the next 12 hours following drinking