Funny Jokes – Blonde Jokes

A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head.The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange.
So, he decides to find out what’s going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, “Pardon me. May I help you with something.” The blind man says, “No thanks. I’m just looking around.”

A bear is chasing a rabbit through a forest. They find a bottle and decide to rub it. A genie pops out. He says “I will grant each of you three wishes.”The bear says “I wish all the bears in the forest were females.” *poof* It’s done.
The rabbit says “I wish for a motorcycle.” *poof* It’s done.
The bear says “I wish all the bears in this country were females.” *poof* It’s done.
The rabbit says “I wish for a lifetime supply of carrots back at my house.” *poof* It’s done.
The bear is thinking to himself “why is the rabbit wasting his wishes on stupid small things? oh well.” “And for my third wish, I wish that all the bears in the world were female.” *poof* It’s done.
The rabbit says “For MY last wish, I want the bear to be gay.” And he rides off on his motorcycle.

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone’s amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” The guy says “No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table … whole!” “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy, “He eats everything in sight, the little bugger. Sorry. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff”. He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the Monkey ate, then leaves Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” “No, what?” replies the guy. “Well, he stuck a cherry up his bum, pulled it out, and ate it!” said the bartender. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me”, replied the guy. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything first.”

…and the bartender came over to the first duck and says:
“what’s your name and what’ve you been doing” the duck says ” my names Heuie and I’ve been jumping in puddles” ,then the bartender goes over to the second duck and asks, what’s your name and what’ve you been doing”, the second duck says “my names Duie and I’ve been jumping in puddles”, then the bartender goes over to the last duck and says “don’t tell me your name is Louie and you’ve been jumping in puddles” the duck replies: “no, my names Puddles and I’ve been having a bad day”!!!

Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducked.

Our lager,Which art in barrels,Hollowed be thy drink.I will be drunk,At home as in the travern.Give us this day our foamy head,And forgive us our spillages,As we forgive those who spill against us.And lead us not into incarceration,But deliver us from hangerovers.For thine is the beer. he bitter and The lagerForever and ever,Barmen.

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. “Why of course,” comes the reply.The first man then asks: “Where are you from?””I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man.The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.””Of course,” replies the second man.I’m curious, the first man then asks: “Where in Ireland are you from?””Dublin,” comes the reply.”I can’t believe it,” says the first man. “I’m from Dublin too! Let’s have another drink to Dublin.””Of course,” replies the second man.Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: “What school did you go to?””Saint Mary’s,” replies the second man, “I graduated in ‘62.””This is unbelievable!”, the first man says. “I went to Saint Mary’s and I graduated in ‘62, too!”About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. “What’s been going on?” he asks the bartender.”Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The O’Kinly twins are drunk again.”

Two men walked into a bar.You would think at least one of them would have ducked.

Guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a beer. At this point the bartender leaves to take care of some business in the back. As he is about to take his first sip someone says,

“Hey thats a great coat!”

He turns around and to his surprise no one is there. He shrugs it off as nothing and goes back to his beer.

“You look great did you get a haircut?!” Again someone exclaims.

He turns around, and again; No one.

He goes back to his beer when someone again shouts.

“Those shoes go great with that great coat!”

At this point the man is just about at his wits end, when the bartender comes out.

“Excuse me barkeep” the man replies “Someone keeps speaking to me, but everytime I turn around no one is there.”

The bartender replies back at the bewildered man. “Oh thats just the peanuts… They’re complimentry”

Three women were sitting in a bar, (burnette, redhead, and a blonde) they were all pregnant.

The burnette says, “I know what I’m going to have.” The other to asked how. She replied, “Well I was on top when I concieved so I will have a baby boy”.

The red head said, “If your logic is correct then I will have a baby girl because I was on the bottom when I concieved.

The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, “PUPPIES, PUPPIES!”.

A man was sitting in the bar when he noticed another patron a few stools away. The guy had a body like charles atlas, but his head was the size of a thimble.

The first man said “please excuse me for staring, but I can’t help but be curious as to why your body is so well
developed, but your head is so small?”. The man said “buy me a drink and I’ll tell you.”

The drink was ordered and the story began. ” I was in the navy and my ship was sunk by a torpedo. I was the only survivor and I managed to make it to a deserted island a few miles away.

I had been there for several months and was sitting on the beach one day waiting for a bird or fish to come by so I would have something to eat, looking up I saw a beautiful mermaid sunning on a nearby rock. She swam over to me and informed me that she was a magical mermaid and could grant me three wishes.

Great I said. I’d like to be rescued. She slapped the water with her tail and a ship appeared, sailing straight for my island.

Next I asked for a body like charles atlas. Another slap of the tail and here it is.

Then, noticing how beautiful she was and all my other wishes fulfilled I asked if I could make love to her.

She said, no it just wouldn’t work her being half fish and all. So I said well, how about a little head then?

Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says, “I play with mouse traps for fun. I’ll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times.” And with that he slams another shot.

The second mouse slams a shot and says, “Hey, that’s nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it.” And with that he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, “Where the hell are you going?” The third mouse stops and replies, “I’m going home to screw the cat.”

Guys were sitting around a bar talking about things they bet on. A woman down at the end of the bar; says “I bet on things!” The bartender says; “Oh Yeah! What do you bet on?” Woman: “Most anything.”

Bartender: “Like what for instance?”

Woman: “See that wall over their? I bet I can pee higher on that wall than you can!”

Bartender: (Thinks about this for a minute) “I’ll take that bet!”, “How much do you want to bet?”

Woman: “You name your poison.”

Bartender: “I’ll bet you a hundred dollars.”

Woman: “Ok!”

Bartender: “Ladies first.”

Woman: Pulls up her dress, pulls down her panties, leans back and pees. “Your turn,” she replies.

Bartender: Unzips his pants gets his sure fire $100 tool out; gets ready to pee.

Woman: “Hey……NO HANDS!”

So there was this guy at the bar, and he looks over at this other guy sitting there who has a small one-foot man on the counter playing the piano. He scratches his head in wonder, then orders a beer.

Then the guy leans over and says, “If you rub that bottle over there, a genie will come out, and you can ask him for anything, and he will grant it to you.”

So the guy goes over to the bottle and rubs it and says, “I want to be rich.” And all of a sudden the guy grows this horrible nose with a wart on the end of it and some long ratty hair.

And the guy turns to the other guy at the bar and says, “I said I wanted to be rich, not be a witch!!!”

And the other guy looks at him and says “Do you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist???”