Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969.”
The other points his thumb behind him and says, “Dog crap, 20 feet back.”
Two flowers:
- I love you, darling!!!
- I love you, too!!!
- I want you so much!!! Where the fuck are those darned bees?
A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.
The turtle’s one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.
The bartender looks at the guy and asks:
“What’s wrong with your turtle?”
“Not a thing,” the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!”
“Not a chance!”, replies the barkeep.
“Okay then, says the guy… you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I’ll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there.”
So the bartender, thinking it’s an easy $500, agrees.
The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.
Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says -
“I WIN… Told you it’ll be there before your dog!”
A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ”Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!” The lady was furious and continued on her way.
On the way home, she passed by the petstore again and the parrot once more said “Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!” She was incrediblyticked now, so she wentinto the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The storemanager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn’t say it again.The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. “Hey, lady!” it said.
“Yes?””You know.”
Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth. She told the Lord that it was awful — she had to sleep in cold back alleys, where there was no food and life was hard. God told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way — but here, in heaven, she would be happy and He would give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on. The cat laid down upon the pillow and was happy.
A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and God asked them how they had liked earth. The earth was no better for them than it was the cat. They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people. God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them rollerskates.
One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she was liking heaven. She explained that it was absolutely wonderful. The pillow he gave her was the most comfortable place that she had ever slept on, but even better than the pillow were the meals on wheels.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good of man.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that’s the only trip the establishment would let it take.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN: I forget. (more…)
What do you get when you cross an elephant and kangaroo together?
Giant holes all over Africa!
A hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in
Arkansas, when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar.
After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and
retire to his motel room, and she readily agreed.
“Say, how old are you anyway?” the reporter asked as the obviously
young lass was disrobing.
“Thirteen,” she replied with a shy smile.
“Thirteen ??? My God, girl !!! You get those clothes back on at once
at get the hell outta here ! Are you crazy ?” he thundered.
Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed nymphet smiled
and said, “Superstitious, huh ?”
Woman walks into a bar… totally nude and asks the barkeep if he can serve her a drink.
He looks her up and down and says, “Well sure, but it doesn’t appear by the your appearance that you’ll be able to pay for it.”
The woman throws one leg up on a bar stool and shows what she’s got, “Will this do?” she asks.
The barkeep takes a look and responds, “Ya got anything smaller?”
A guy walks into a bar, and sees his best friend sitting there, getting drunk.
When he asks what the problem is, the friend says “When I make love to my wife, she just lays there. I’ve tried everything, but she doesn’t moan, doesn’t scream, doesn’t even move”
The guy pats his friend on the back and says “Yeah, she does that with me, too.”
A very drunk man goes into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender serves him and asks him if he would like to try the bar game of darts. Three in the bullseye and win a prize.. Only a dollar for three darts.
The drunk agrees and throws the first dart. A bullseye!! He downs another drink, takes aim on wobbly feet, lets go…Two bulls eyes!!!! Two more quick drinks go down. Barely able to stand, he lets go of the last dart.
Three bulls eyes!!!
All are astounded. No one has ever won before. The bartender searches for a prize… grabs a turtle from the bar’s terrarium and presents it to the drunk as his prize.
Three weeks pass… The drunk returns and orders more drinks, then announces he would like to try the dart game again. To the total amazement and wonderment of all the local drunks, he scores three more bulls eyes and demands his prize.
The bartender, being a sort of drunk himself, and a bit short of memory, doesn’t know what to give, so he asks the drunk, “Say, what did you win the last time?”
And the drunk responds, “A roast beef sandwich on a hard roll!”
Paddy and his two friends are talking at work.His first friend says:”I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician.The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.”
His second friend says:”I think my wife is having an affair with the plummer the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”
Paddy says:”I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.” Both his friendds look at him with utter disbelief. “No I’m serious.The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”
A queer walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, son. We dont allow queers in this bar.”
The queer says, “I need a drink really bad, honey. I’ll sit in the very back and be very quiet!”
The bartender thinks for a while, and says, “Alright. Only ONE drink.” The queer takes the glass of beer and sits in the dark courner of the bar. Suddenly, a cowboy walks in with snakeskin boots and a cowskin cowboy hat.
He walks up to the bartender and says, “I’m so thirsty, I could lick the sweat off the balls of a cow!”
The queer looks up uncertainly and yells across the bar, “Moo, Moo, Buckaroo!”
The bartender is taken to court two days later for letting a half-baked drunk queer in the bar.
At the end of the night a man leaves the bar. Outside he sees a nun. He walks over to her and slaps her in the face.
Then he punches her in the stomach and knocks her over. He proceeds to kick her several times and when he’s done he bends down to her and says, “not so tough tonight, are you Batman?”