Funny Jokes – Blonde Jokes

Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force – such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism:
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics:
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching:
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping:
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation:
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any countertop, that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Acceleration:
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance:
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration:
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state, for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance:
A cat’s resistance varies in proportion to a human’s desire for her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation:
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, t herefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation:
Cats also know that energy can only be stored, by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation: If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction:
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking:
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag / Box Occupancy:
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment:
A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption:
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

Law of Furniture Replacement:
A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of t he furniture.

Law of Cat Landing:
A cat will always land in the softest place possible.
Law of Fluid Displacement: A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

Law of Cat Disinterest:
A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection:
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition:
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn’t Matter.

Law of Selective Listening:
Although a cat can hear a can of tuna being opened a mile away, she can’t hear a simple command three feet away.

Law of Equidistant Separation:
All cats in a given room will locate at points equidistant from each other, and equidistant from the center of the room.

Law of Cat Invisibility:
Cats think that if they can’t see you, then you can’t see them.

Law of Space-Time Continuum:
Given enough time, a cat will land in just about any space.

Law of Concentration of Mass:
A cat’s mass increases in direct proportion to the comfort of the lap she occupies.

Law of Cat Probability (Cat’s Uncertainty Principle):
It is not possible to predict where a cat actually is, only the probability of where she “might” be.

Law of Cat Obedience: As yet undiscovered.

A depressed blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park. A few days later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree.
He asks the blonde what she is doing and she replies, “I’m hanging myself.”
“You’re supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist,” said the man.
“I tried that,” replied the blonde, “but I couldn’t breathe…”

Q: What do you call a pig that does karate?
A: Porkchop!

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can’t be found. So he drives the farmer’s Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and this time the chicken fell into the mud hole instead. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, ‘I think I can stand over the hole!’ So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, “Grab for my ‘thingy’ and pull yourself up.” And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?
A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth!

Once there was this hunter, out in the forest, hunting bears.

As the hunter approached a clearing in the forest, he saw a bear. One of the biggest bears he’d ever seen. So he crouches down behind a largish rock, takes careful aim with his shotgun, and fires. After the smoke clears, he runs down tothe clearing, and the bear’s body is gone!

He searches the clearing, but to no avail. Then there’s a tap-tap-tap on his shoulder. The hunter looks around, and it’s the bear! “You just tried to kill me, didn’t you?”. Says the bear.”Uh, no. No I didn’t”. The hunter, taken aback by a talking bear, lies.”Yes you did. Don’t lie, or I’ll rip your arms off” “Uh, yeah, yeah I did.” “Alright”, says, the bear, “I’ll let you go if you do one thing for me.” “What’s that?”, inquires the hunter. “Give me a head-job.” “What??” “On your knees” So, the hunter obliges, and leaves the clearing.

Well, the hunter’s pissed-off. “Humiliated by a bear!”, he thinks to himself. “I’ll teach that bastard”. He runs to the local town, and buys an Uzi sub-machine gun, and runs back to the clearing. The bear is still there, basking in the sun. “I’ve got you now, bear”, the hunter says to himself, andopens fire from behind the rock.

Again, after the smoke clears, the hunter runs down to the clearing. No bear. Tap-tap-tap on his shoulder. Gulp. “You just tried to kill me again, didn’t you?”. Says the bear. “Uh, no. No I didn’t”, lies the hunter. “Yes you did. Don’t lie, or I’ll rip your legs off” “Ok! I did.” “Alright”, says, the bear, “I’ll let you go if you do one thing for me.” “What’s that?”, inquires the hunter. “Drop your pants and bend over” “No way!” “Ok. Prepare to get your legs ripped off.” “Alright! I’ll do it, you bastard” So, the hunter obliges, and leaves the clearing, walking rather gingerly.

“I’ll fucking get the bastard this time”, the hunter thinks to himself, and buys a rocket launcher. He runs back to the clearing, and blasts everything into oblivion. Trees are on fire, rocks are broken, the ground is scorched. Again, after the smoke clears, the hunter runs down to the clearing. No bear.

Tap-tap-tap on his shoulder. Gulp. “You’re not here for the hunting, are you?”, says the bear.

Make the world your playground.
Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up. Dragging a sock over it helps.
If you can’t get your way, lay across the keyboard till you do.
When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you just to shut you up.
Always find a good patch of sun to nap in.
Nap often.
When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you just to shut you up.
Always find a good patch of sun to nap in.
When in trouble, just purr and look cute.
Life is hard, and then you nap.
Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours.
When in doubt, cop an attitude.
Variety is the spice of life. One day, ignore people; the next day, annoy them, and play with them when they’re busy.
Climb your way to the top, that’s why the curtains are there.
Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each corner.
Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, “I care”.