Funny Jokes – Blonde Jokes

Yo Mama so ugly when she went to the beauty parlor it took 3 hours for an estimate.

Yo mama is so poor she could only afford the word “wel” on her welcome mat.

Yo mama’s so old, she remembers the grand canyon as a ditch.

Yo Mama is so fat, if she buys a fur coat, a species will be extinct.

Your mama’s so fat, after sex she smoked a turkey!

Yo’ mama so poor, she can’t even pay attention!

Yo mama is so stupid, she doesn’t know whether to scratch her watch or wind her butt.

It’s Friday night and President Bill is working late in the White House.
Suddenly the big, red telephone on his desk rings.
[President Bill]
Hello! Hello!
[Voice on the line]
President Bill! We have a report that Boris Yeltsin just ordered the launch of all Russian missiles in a full-scale nuclear attack against the United States!
[President Bill]
Oh no!!!
He said he wouldn’t do that!
That dirty, rotten jerk!
Bill slams the phone down. He goes the receiver back in the red telephone’s cradle.
President Bill grabs the briefcase next to his desk, whirls the combination locks, flings open the lid, and jabs in a series of top-secret access codes. A voice comes over the briefcase speaker.
[Voice on the line]
Mr. President, is this a drill?
[President Bill]
Listen to me.
We’re being attacked by the Russians.
Launch a full-scale response immediately.
[Voice on the line]
Are you sure, sir?
[President Bill]
Yes!!!
Fire the missiles!!!
Fire the missiles now!!!
[Voice on the line]
OK Sir, we’re launching them this minute.
[President Bill]
Thank you, son!
The speaker goes silent and President Bill collapses in his chair. Suddenly, an aid flings open the door and bursts into the room.
[Aid]
Hey Bill! Neat joke, huh?
Sounded real, didn’t it?
Attacked by the Russians! What a gag!
Hey, you want something from the kitchen, Bill?
How about a pizza or something?
Say Bill, are you OK? You look kind of pale.
You OK Bill?
Bill???

Q. Why did the ant fall off the toilet seat?
A. Because he was pissed off!

“Mommy, all the kids at school say I’m a werewolf! Is that true?”
“No, of course not. Now shut up and comb your face.”

A guy walked into a bar and saw a golden mug on a shelf above the bartender and it said “Win this…free beer for LIFE!” The man walked up to the bartender and asked “how do I win this golden mug?” The bartender replied, “See that drunken man over there? Knock him out in one punch. See that dog? He has a toothache but noone can get the tooth out. Take the tooth out. See that old lady? She hasn’t been screwed in a while so… screw her.”

The man walks over to the drunk man and knocks him out with one punch. Then, he goes over to the dog and brings him into the back alley. The bartender hears some noises and then the man comes back in with a pair of pliers and says, “Where’s the old lady with a toothache?”

Q: What’s the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy?
A: One tries to hump the leg of every woman and the other is a chocolate lab!

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, ”I’ll have that monkey please”.
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop, and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash and handed it to the customer, saying, ”That’ll be $5000”.
The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, ”That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did he cost so much?” The shopkeeper answered, ”Ah, that monkey can program in ‘C’ very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.”
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. ”That one’s even more expensive – $10,000! What does he do?” ”Oh, that one’s a C++ monkey; he can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java.
All the really useful stuff,” said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of his own. The price tag around his neck read $50,000.
He gasped to the shopkeeper, ”That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does he do?”
The shopkeeper shrugged and said, ”Well, to tell you the truth, I haven’t actually seen him do anything, but he says he’s a SAP consultant.”

A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says, “I’m lookin’ for the man who shot my paw!”