Funny Jokes – Blonde Jokes

Q: What’s the difference between a man and a pig?
A: You mean there IS a difference?

How do you stop an elephant from charging?
Take away his credit card!

What’s the difference between Simba and O.J. Simpson?
One’s an African lion, and the other’s a lion African.

A man had a very small penis, so he went to a witch to make it longer. She said, “Go into the forest and ask the toad there to marry you, each time it says no, your penis will grow one inch.”
Happy, the man ran to the forest and started yelling, “Froggie, Froggie, will you marry me?” The frog, of course, replied, “No,” andthe man’s penis grew one inch. So he repeated this again, “Froggie, Froggie, will you marry me?” The frog yelled back, “NO!” After a couple times more, the frog was getting mad, but the man decided one more time and one more inch wouldn’t hurt, so he yelled again, “Froggie, Froggie, will you marry me?” And the exasperated frog said, “I’ve told you onceand I’ve told you a million times, no!”

One day this Preacher decided that he would skip church and go hunting. When in the woods he came upon a bear. He started running, and he ran for a while until all of a sudden he tripped over a tree root.

At this moment he was almost face to face with the bear. He dropped to his knees and said, “Dear Lord, if there is one wish I would want for you to give me it would be to make this bear a Christian.”

And at that instant… the bear halted to a stop and dropped to his knees and said, “Dear Lord, thank you for the food I am about to receive!”

What is another name for a masturbating bull?
Beef Strokinoff.

What do you call a cow that won’t give milk?
A milkdud!

What do you call lice on a bald man’s head?
Homeless.

A football player walked into a motel on a rainy night. He asked the manager for a room for one night. The manager said, “I only have one room left and I don’t think you want it.” The football player asked, “why not.” “It’s haunted,” the manager said. The football player said, “Well, I’ll kill the ghost or whatever is in it.” The manager said “OK!”
That night when the football player was just getting settled, he heard a voice. He listened and heard it again and it said, ”If the log rolls over we all will drown.”

With that he ran out of the room screaming.
The next night a woman came in and wanted a room. The manager did not argue with this because there were still no rooms left except for that one. So she got the key and went to her room. As she got settled in she heard, ”If the log rolls over we all will drown.” She walked around and realized it was coming fron the bathroom. She looked in the toilet and saw three ants singing on a turd, ”If the log rolls over we all will drown.”

A middle aged woman lived alone except for her pet, a male parrot. The woman was very proud of her parrot because it would sit in the bottom of its cage, cross its wings, and pray. She was also a devout church goer and would often brag to the congregation about her faithful parrot.

One day the women was boasting about her parrot’s prayers. An older gentleman was simply amazed by this. ”I have a female parrot and she’s just terrible. My son raised her and all she does is curse. She’s the most foul mouthed creature I’ve ever heard,” he sighed. ”Maybe if we put my parrot with your parrot he would teach mine how to pray and stop cursing so much.”

The woman readily agreed to this and a few days later the gentleman brought his parrot by. The woman’s parrot sat praying in the bottom of the cage as they placed the female inside with him. The parrot instantly stopped praying, hopped up, looked the female over and shouted, ”Hot damn!! This is what I’ve been praying for!!”

Who do donkeys journey to the top of the mountain to see?
The Wiseass.

Why did the farmer sell his frog leg ranch?
He found out it was a ‘rough toad to hoe.’

Attorney: I’m going to object to that last statement by the witness… and ask that it be struck from the witness.Witness: Your honor, I’d like to strike the next question.

Why do dogs lick themselves?
Because they can.