Funny Jokes – Blonde Jokes

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
Answer: ell-if-i-no (Hell if I know)

A biology class student conducted an experiment on what would happen to a grasshopper if its legs were taken off.
He pulled off one of its legs and yelled ‘hop!’, and the grasshhoper hopped. Then he took another leg and yelled ‘hop!’ and the grasshopper hopped. Then he took all of its legs and yelled ‘hop!’ but the insect did not hop. He yelled again, but the insect did not hop.
So he came to the conclusion that when all the legs of a grasshopper are removed, it will become deaf.

What did Harry Potter do when he found the three-headed dog?
He ran… wouldn’t you?

Why do gorillas have big noses?
Because they have big fingers!

What’s the difference between a dog barking on the front porch and a woman yelling on the back porch?
The dog quits barking when you let it in!

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons.
“I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his mouth and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top its head.

The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathedas promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.”I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.” A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.”I’ll try…” said a small woman, “But you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle!”

Once upon a time, on a farm in Arkansas . . .
. . . there was a little red hen who scratched about the barnyard until she uncovered quite a few grains of wheat. She called all of her neighbors together and said, “If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?” “Not I,” said the cow. “Not I,” said the duck. “Not I,” said the pig. “Not I,” said the goose. “Then I will do it by myself,” said the little red hen. And so she did; the wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain. “Who will help me reap my wheat?” asked the little red hen. “Not I,” said the duck. “Out of my classification,” said the pig. “I’d lose my seniority,” said the cow. “I’d lose my unemployment compensation,” said the goose. “Then I will do it by myself,” said the little red hen, and so she did. At last it came time to bake the bread. “Who will help me bake the bread?” asked the little red hen. “That would be overtime for me,” said the cow. “I’d lose my welfare benefits,” said the duck. “I’m a dropout and never learned how,” said the pig. “If I’m to be the only helper, that’s discrimination,” said the goose. “Then I will do it by myself,” said the little red hen. She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, “No, I shall eat all five loaves.” “Excess profits!” cried the cow. “Capitalist leech!” screamed the duck. “I demand equal rights!” yelled the goose. The pig just grunted in disdain. And they all painted “Unfair!” picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities. Then a government agent came, he said to the little red hen, “You must not be so greedy.” “But I earned the bread,” said the little red hen. “Exactly,” said the agent. “That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of labor with those who are lazy and idle.” And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, “I am grateful, for now I truly understand.” But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the “party” and got her bread free. And all the Democrats smiled. ‘Fairness’ had been established. Individual initiative had died but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared, as long as there was free bread.

Q: Why does everyone love cats?
A: They’re purr-fect!

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in.
“OK, follow me,” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats
behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
“Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.
“Yes, yes, yes!” the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy.
“Good,” said the first bat tiredly, “Because I didn’t!”

Q: Where did the kittens go on their class trip?
A: To a mewseum.