Funny Jokes – Blonde Jokes

What is the definition of gross ignorance?

144 blondes.

What’s the first thing a blonde does after sex?

Opens the car door.

Blonde drives to work one day and pulls into the car park.

She notices a mysterious person wandering around her boss’s nice Ferrari.

She walks over to him and asks what he is doing.

He replies he is just looking at the car.

However, the blonde is till suspicious of him.

Ten minutes later she bursts through the office doors and runs into her boss.

He asks her what’s the matter.

She says “I’m really sorry but someone has just stolen your beautiful Ferrari”.

He asks, “Well did you do anything to stop him?”

to which she replies, “Yeah sure… I got the number plate for you”.

What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?

The more you bang it the looser it gets.

Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar?

She heard the drinks were on the house.

A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night.

The dog says, “My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!”.

The cat says, “I don’t think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter.”

The penis outraged, says “At least your master doesn’t put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!”

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer’s barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Lordy, were they ALL dead?”

The old farmer said, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them crooked politicians lie.”

Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses at the beach?

Because he didn’t want to be recognised!

Police warn all clubbers, party goers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a new date rape drug on the market called “beer” to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large “kegs.”

“Beer” is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of “beer” and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several “beers” men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking “beer” men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life’s savings in a familiar scam known as “a relationship.”

It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as “marriage”. Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after “beer” is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

Please forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious “beer” and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up “Golf Courses” in the yellow pages.

Yo Mamas so old, her birth certificate expired.

Q: What does a bankrupt frog say?

A: “Baroke, baroke, baroke.”

Two blokes were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal.

“I’ll bet you £10 he’ll jump,” said the first guy.

“Bet you £10 he won’t,” responded the second guy.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.

“I can’t take your money,” said the first guy. “I cheated you. The same story was on the five o’clock news.”

“No, no. Take it,” said the second guy. “I saw the five o’clock news too. I just didn’t think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!”

Two Scotsmen are sitting at a table in a pub in Glasgow drinking pints of bitter. The first bloke gets up to obey a call of nature. While he’s away a large black lady saunters over to their table, squats over the first guy’s pint and lets out this almighty fart.

The second guy is dumbstruck, when his mate returns from the Gents he tells him of this strange occurrence. The first guy, highly irritated, storms over to a muscular black lady at the bar and shouts “You fart in ma Whitbread ?”, to which she calmly replies “No,… I’m Tessa Sanderson”.