Archive for January, 2007

Football Fan To The Rescue

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar and twists, breaking the dog’s neck.

A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
“Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal,” he writes in his notebook.

“But I’m not a Giants fan,” the little hero replies.

“Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were,” says the reporter.

“Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack,” he writes in his notebook.

“I’m not a Jets fan either,” the boy says.

“I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?” the reporter asks.

“I’m a Cowboys fan,” the child says.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, “Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet”.

Arkansas Scholars

Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16 year old students! (Don’t laugh too hard – one of these may be the president someday.)

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets a election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie

Q: What does “varicose” mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section.”
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Q: What does the word “benign” mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets a election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains
the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie

Q: What does “varicose” mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section.”
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Q: What does the word “benign” mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets a election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie

Q: What does “varicose” mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section.”
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look
like umbrellas.

Q: What does the word “benign” mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.

You Might Be A Redneck If… Father

You might be a redneck if your father walks you to school because you’re both in the same grade!

What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd…

What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?

Their last big hit was The Wall.

Redneck Accessories

You just might possibly be a redneck if your belt buckle is bigger than your head.

Redneck Parkin’ Lot

If you have no cars that are moblie, and 14 cars that aren’t, then you might be a redneck.

Redneck Wins the Lottery

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number.

The Redneck says, “I want my $20 million.”

To which the man replied, “No sir. It doesn’t work that way. We give you a million today, and then you’ll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.

The Redneck said, “I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it.”

Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, “Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you’re not going to give me my $20 million right now, THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!’’

Redneck Marital Woes

You might be a redneck if you have to take your hat off so your wife can fit into the truck with you.

The Fishing Spot

One day Bob and Bubba went fishing. They were catching a lot of fish so they wanted to figure out how to remember this part if the lake.

Bob said, ‘’I know. I can spit in the water!’’

But Bubba said, ‘’ No! How will we know it’s your spit?’’

They thought and thought and finally Bob said, ‘’ I know. We can draw an ‘X’ right here on the side of the boat!’’

But Bubba said ‘’No, no, Bob. That won’t work! How will we know that we get the same boat next time?’’

Travelling Salesman Joke No. 44892

A travelling salesman was out in the country one evening and wasn’t sure how to get back to the main highway. He came upon a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

“Sure,” said the farmer. “I’ve got some beans and cornbread on the stove, but I’ve only got one bed, so you’ll have to sleep with me.”

The salesman was very grateful. So they had dinner and went to bed early. The salesman was used to keeping late hours and couldn’t get to sleep. His tossing and turning was keeping the farmer awake so the farmer finally suggested they play football. The salesman didn’t understand.

“Here’s how it works,” said the farmer. “Everytime you fart, it’s a touchdown.” The salesman thought it sounded fun, and they started playing. The salesman took an immediate lead, with the farmer struggling to squeeze even one out. Finally he felt one coming on and he strained and grunted and strained and grunted…and let a big wet one rip all over his side of the bed.

“What’ll we do now?” exclaimed the salesman.

“Halftime. Switch sides.”

Yo mama’s so ghetto… wheelies

Yo mama is so ghetto, she does wheelies in her 10 speed.

Yo mama’s so dumb… battery

Yo mama is so dumb she stuck a battery up her butt and said, “I got energy!”

Yo mama’s So Fat… Black Dress

Yo mama is so fat that when she took a vacation to New York City, she wore a black dress and everyone thought there was a power outage.

Yo Mama’s a Saint

Yo’ mama a saint…a St. Bernard!