A teenage girl shopped at the mall and stopped at the perfume counter. She sees, “My Sin”, “Desire”, and “Ecstasy”. She says to the salesperson, “I don’t want to get emotionally involved…I just want to smell nice.”
I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those “Dividers” that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the “Divider” looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me “Do you know how much this is?” and I said to her “I’ve changed my mind, I don’t think I’ll buy that today.” She said “OK” and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened…..
I was browsing in a souvenir shop when the man next to me struck up a conversation. Just as he was telling me that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power shortage caused the lights to flicker overhead. ‘That,’ he sighed, ‘must be her checking out now.’
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three-year-old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies, and her mother told her “no.” The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, “Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don’t be upset. It won’t be long.”
He passed the mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn’t have any, she began to cry. The mother said, “There, there, Ellen, don’t cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we’ll be checking out.”
The man happened to be behind the pair in the checkout line, where the little girl began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering her mother would not buy any gum. “Ellen, we’ll be through this checkout stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap,” the mother said.
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. “I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen,” he said.
The mother replied, “My little girl’s name is Tammy. I’m Ellen.”
In the frozen foods department of our local grocery store, I noticed a man shopping with his son. As I walked by, he checked
something off his list, and I heard him whisper conspiratorially to the child, “You know, if we really mess this up, we’ll never
have to do it again.”
On a visit to Chicago, I was eager to visit a posh department store about a dozen blocks from our hotel.
My husband obligingly hailed a cab.
“The lady wants to go to Neiman Marcus,” he told the driver.
The cabby looked over his shoulder at us.
“And the gentleman?” he asked, “Does he want to go to the bank?”
Walking through a supermarket, a young man noticed an old lady following him around. He ignored her for a while, but when he got to the checkout line, she got in front of him.
“Pardon me,” she said. “I’m sorry if I’ve been staring, but you look just like me son who died recently.
“I’m sorry for your loss,” the young man replied. “Is there anything I can do for you?”
“Well, as I’m leaving, could you just say ‘Goodbye, mother!?’ It would make me feel so much better.” She gave him a sweet smile.
“Of course I can,” the young man promised.
As she gathered her bags and left, he called out “Goodbye, mother!” just as she had requested, feeling good about her smile.
Stepping up to the counter, he saw that his total was about $100 higher than it should be. “That amount is wrong,” he said. “I only have a few items!”
“Oh, your mother said that you would pay for her,” explained the clerk.
A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, “Do you have any small notebooks?”
“Sorry,” says the manager. “We’re all out.”
The woman shrugs, and asks, “Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?”
“Nope, don’t have that either,” says the manager.
The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, “Do you have Doritos? Nachos?”
The manager shrugs, “Sorry.”
“Hmmph. How about Chapstick?” says the woman.
“Nope. Don’t have that.”
“Well” the woman says, “If you don’t have anything, why don’t you close the store?”
The manager shrugs, “Can’t. Don’t have the key.”
The teenager approached the sales clerk in the dress shop with a large bag. “My mother likes this outfit — may I exchange it?
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely DIE!!!”
“Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he’s in a good mood.
For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
Don’t burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don’t discuss your problems with him it will only make his stress worse.
Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs.
Encourage him to watch some type of sporting event on T.V. And most importantly make love with your husband several times a week, and satisfy his every whim.”
“If you can do this for 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”
On the way home the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?”
She replied, “He said you’re goanna die.”
A couple had been married for 40 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays.
During the celebration, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all these years, she would give them one wish each.
Being the faithful, loving spouse for all these years, naturally the wife wanted for herself and her husband to have a romantic vacation together, so she wished for them to travel around the world.
The fairy waved her wand and boom! … The wife had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband’s turn and the fairy assured him he could have any wish he wanted, all he needed to do was ask for his heart’s desire.
He paused for a moment, and then said, “Well, honestly, I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy picked up her wand and kazoom! … The husband turned 90!
Two guys, Joe & Bill went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Joe wakes his faithful friend and says, “Bill, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Bill replies, “I see millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?” asked Joe.
Bill ponders for a minute, and then says, “Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the
morning.
Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small, and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you, Joe?”
Joe is silent for a moment, then says, “Bill, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent”!
A policeman was sitting on the hard shoulder watching the traffic go by when a car zoomed past him doing at least 120 mph!
The policeman chased him down, and pulled the car over. He went up to the car and asked, “Do you know that you were doing at least 50 mph over the speed limit?”
The driver replied, “Was I officer, I’m terribly sorry but I wasn’t aware of that.”
The policeman said, “May I see your drivers license please?”
The man replied, “I don’t have one officer.”
“Of course you do,” said the policeman.
“No sir, I don’t,” said the man.
“So why do you have this car?” asked the policeman.
“This is not my car, I stole it,” said the man.
“You are driving a stolen car?” said the policeman.
“Yes I’m afraid so sir,”
Looking puzzled the policeman said, “Let me see the registration, so we can find out who it belongs to.”
The man said, “There is nothing in the glove compartment except some candy, oh, and my gun.”
“Your gun!” exclaimed the officer, clearly worried by this point, as this man was obviously a lunatic.
“So you don’t have a drivers license, you stole this car, and there is a gun in the glove compartment!”
“Yes sir,” said the man, “Oh and a body in the trunk.”
“Jesus!” said the policeman turning white, “Ok so you have no drivers license, you have stolen this car, there is a gun in the glove compartment, and a body in the trunk?”
“Yes,” said the man, sounding slightly irritated.
“Look,” said the policeman, “You wait right here and don’t touch anything! Don’t move, don’t even breathe.”
So the policeman ran to his car and radioed the station, “I want to speak to the chief,” said the policeman, “And quick!”
He waited about a minute and the chief came on the line, “What is it,” he said.
“I’ve got a man here, he is a complete lunatic he has very calmly stated that he is driving a stolen car, he has no drivers license, there is a gun in the glove compartment, and a body in the trunk,” said the policeman.
“I’ll be right there,” said the chief.
In ten minutes the man and the car were surrounded. There was the chief of police, a swat team, everybody you could imagine.
The chief walks slowly to the car in his bulletproof vest and says to the driver, “Hello sir, may I see your drivers license?”
“Of course,” said the man, and produced it from his back pocket.
Looking puzzled, the chief asked, “Is this your car?”
“Yes,” said the man.
“Can I see your registration please sir?” asked the chief.
The man leaned over to open the glove compartment.
“Please don’t open it sir!” said the chief.
“Why?” asked the man, “I thought you wanted my registration.”
“I do,” said the chief, “But there is a gun in there.”
“Don’t be silly,” said the man, and he opened the glove compartment, empty apart from some candy.
“Let me get this right,” said the chief, “You have a drivers license, this is your car and there is no gun in the glove compartment.”
“Yes,” said the man,
“And there is no body in the trunk, I suppose,” said the chief.
“BODY!” exclaimed the man, “Why on earth would I have a body in my trunk?”
“Sir I apologize for this, but my officer told me that you had no drivers license, you had stolen this car, you were in possession of a gun, and a body in the trunk.”
“The lying fool, said the man, “I bet he said I was speeding to!”
Once there was a man who loved baked beans. He would eat up to 5 and sometimes 6 plates at a time, but that always be followed with smelly, loud, stinky gas.
One day he met a beautiful lady and decided to talk to her. They started seeing each other.
Since he did not want her to smell his nasty gas after eating beans, he made the sacrifice, and stopped eating them. One year later they were married.
On his birthday, the next year, he was coming home from work, when suddenly his car broke down.
He called his wife to tell her what had happened, and also to let her know that he would be home a little late. She said she understood, but to hurry, because she had a surprise for him.
On his way he saw a diner and smelled baked beans cooking inside. Since he had to walk 6 miles to get home, he figured that by the time he got there all the smelly gas would be gone.
He went in and ate 7 bowls of baked beans. On his way back home, he was farting nasty and smelly gas.
Finally he got home and on the door his wife had hung a blind fold for him to wear, so he wouldn’t peek.
She sat him at the table, when all of a sudden the phone rang. She made him promise he wouldn’t peek until she got back.
Unfortunately, his gas came back and he couldn’t hold it in any longer. Since she was taking so long, he decided to let it go.
He picked up his leg and let it rip. It smelled so bad; he had to get a napkin and fan so she wouldn’t smell it.
He wanted to fart again, so he once again picked up his leg, but this time it was so loud and smelly, that it shook the windows and killed the flowers.
After a couple of more farts his wife finally got off the phone, so he stopped.
When she took the blind fold off to his surprise, there were 12 guests seated at the table.