Funny Jokes – Blonde Jokes

16 Ways of Knowing You’re in the Desert

1. You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
2. You can say 110 degrees without fainting.
3. You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
4. You can make instant sun tea.
5. You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
6. The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
7. You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
8. You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
9. You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
10. Hot water now comes out of both taps.
11. It’s noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
12. You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
13. You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.
14. No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.
15. Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?”
16. You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

Seen on the back of a van in Rochester, New York:

Caution: Blind Man Driving

On the side of the van (after passing it to see who might be driving):

Rochester Venetian Blind Co

Heard on a public transportation vehicle in Orlando.

“When you exit the bus, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step.”

“If you miss your step and hit your head, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you.”

The following is supposedly a true story relating to an actual event that took place during a flight.

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the co-pilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.

“Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep.”

From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, “Wow! It just missed the highway!”

An American man, a Russian man, and an African man were all up in a hot-air balloon together. After a few minutes, the Russian man put his hand down through the clouds. “Aaah!” he said. “We’re right over my homeland.”

“How can you tell?” asked the American.

“I can feel the cold air.” he replied.

A few hours later the African man put his hand through the clouds. “Aah we’re right over my homeland.” he said.

“How do you know that?” asked the Russian. “I can feel the heat of the desert.”

Several more hours later the American put his hand through the clouds. “Aah, we’re right over New York.”

The Russian and the African were amazed. “How do you know all of that?” they exclaimed.

The American pulled his hand up. “My watch is missing.”

The following is supposedly a true story relating to an actual guide and his response to questions.

Swiss mountain guides who always do the same trails can get tired answering the same questions over and over. One time an English tourist was giving his guide an especially hard time with silly questions. They were walking through a mountain valley that was strewn with rocks, and the traveler asked, “How did these rocks get here?”

“Sir,” said the guide, “they were brought down by a glacier.”

The tourist peered up the mountain and said, “But I don’t see any glacier.”

“Oh, really?” said the guide. “I guess it has gone back for more rocks.”

In a very small alley two trucks driving in opposite directions meet.

As the drivers are equally stubborn, neither of them wants to reverse.

They angrily look one at the other.

Finally, one of them picks up a newspaper and starts reading.

The other one politely asks, “When you’ve finished the paper, will you please bring it over, and let me read it?”