Funny Jokes – Blonde Jokes

The following is supposedly a true story relating to an actual guide and his response to questions.

Swiss mountain guides who always do the same trails can get tired answering the same questions over and over. One time an English tourist was giving his guide an especially hard time with silly questions. They were walking through a mountain valley that was strewn with rocks, and the traveler asked, “How did these rocks get here?”

“Sir,” said the guide, “they were brought down by a glacier.”

The tourist peered up the mountain and said, “But I don’t see any glacier.”

“Oh, really?” said the guide. “I guess it has gone back for more rocks.”

Read aloud for best results (and some semblance of comprehension). This was nominated “best email of 1997″.

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review…

Room Service (RS): “Morny. Ruin sorbees”
Guest (G): “Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service”
RS: “Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??”
G: “Uh..yes..I’d like some bacon and eggs”
RS: “Ow July den?”
G: “What??”
RS: “Ow July den?…pry, boy, pooch?”
G: “Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.”
RS: “Ow July dee bayhcem…crease?”
G: “Crisp will be fine.”
RS : “Hokay. An San tos?”
G: “What?”
RS:”San tos. July San tos?”
G: “I don’t think so”
RS: “No? Judo one toes??”
G: “I feel really bad about this, but I don’t know what
‘judo one toes ‘means.”
RS: “Toes! toes!…why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?”
G: “English muffin!! I’ve got it! You were saying ‘Toast.’ Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.”
RS: “We bother?”
G: “No..just put the bother on the side.”
RS: “Wad?”
G: “I mean butter…just put it on the side.”
RS: “Copy?”
G: “Sorry?”
RS: “Copy…tea…mill?”
G: “Yes. Coffee please, and that’s all.”
RS: “One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy….rye??”
G: “Whatever you say”
RS: “Tendjewberrymud”
G: “You’re welcome”

Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy.

Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV:

“Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package.”

Murphy Laws For Frequent Flyers

1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
2. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.
6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
9. The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
10. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.

16 Ways of Knowing You’re in the Desert

1. You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
2. You can say 110 degrees without fainting.
3. You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
4. You can make instant sun tea.
5. You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
6. The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
7. You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
8. You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
9. You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
10. Hot water now comes out of both taps.
11. It’s noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
12. You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
13. You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.
14. No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.
15. Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?”
16. You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

Heard on a public transportation vehicle in Orlando.

“When you exit the bus, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step.”

“If you miss your step and hit your head, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you.”

An American man, a Russian man, and an African man were all up in a hot-air balloon together. After a few minutes, the Russian man put his hand down through the clouds. “Aaah!” he said. “We’re right over my homeland.”

“How can you tell?” asked the American.

“I can feel the cold air.” he replied.

A few hours later the African man put his hand through the clouds. “Aah we’re right over my homeland.” he said.

“How do you know that?” asked the Russian. “I can feel the heat of the desert.”

Several more hours later the American put his hand through the clouds. “Aah, we’re right over New York.”

The Russian and the African were amazed. “How do you know all of that?” they exclaimed.

The American pulled his hand up. “My watch is missing.”