Funny Jokes – Blonde Jokes

One beautiful Saturday afternoon a priest and a man are golfing.

The priest tees-off first making a beautiful shot on the fairway. Next the man hits and his shot crashes into the water trap. “God-damn it I missed!”
the man exclaims in anger.

“Be careful or God will strike you with a lightning bolt,” the priest replies.

One the next tee the priest makes a nice shot onto the green while the man’s lands in the sand. “God-damn it I missed!”

“Be careful or God will strike you with a lightning bolt,” the priest says.

Next hole the priest gets the play within range for an eagle put. The man shots and again it flys into the water. “God-damn it I missed!”

As the man said this, the sky clouded over. All of a sudden a lightning bolt came down and hit the priest.

The man looked up to hear, “God-damn it I missed!”

Jones had taken his wife to a cricket match. She sat through the first innings although plainly bored.

In the second innings a batsman gave a tremendous swipe and knocked the ball out of the ground.

‘Thank goodness they got rid of it,’ she sighed. ‘Now we can all go home.’

“Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?”
$ Michael Jordan having “retired,” with $40 million in endorsements, he makes $178,100 a day, working or not.

$ If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.

$ If he goes to see a movie, it’ll cost him $7.00, but he’ll make $18,550 while he’s there.

$ If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he’ll make $618 while boiling it.

$ He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.

$ He’ll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.

$ If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.

$ If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

$ He’ll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.

$ Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.

$ If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you ‘d be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.

$ He’ll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.

$ While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he’ll pull in about $5600.

$ This year, he’ll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.

Amazing isn’t it? However…

$ If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he’ll still have less than Bill Gates has today.

$$$ Game over. Nerd wins.

After a two-year hiatus from basketball, Jesus Christ returned to the NBA last night, playing with his former team, the Atlanta Hawks. Christ, who quit the sport in May 1994 to focus on spreading His message of universal love and compassion, made His triumphant return last night against the Bulls, just in time for Easter Sunday. The return of Christ, who averaged 18.2 points and 7.3 assists per game during his 10-year NBA career, has excited success-hungry Hawks fans, who are calling Him the team’s “Savior.”

Said Atlanta resident and devout Christian Jeff Voorhees, “Jesus is Lord.”

Christ’s decision to return to the Hawks surprised insiders, considering for years the Nazareth native had been crucified by the Atlanta press. Ever since He was drafted third overall out of Texas A&M in 1986, Christ has been labeled “too passive and forgiving” to ever lead the Hawks to the promised land. Christ, however, has decided to turn the other cheek.

“I forgive Atlanta Journal-Constitution sportswriter Stan Sheridan,” Christ said. “He knows not what he writes.”

The closest Christ came to signing with another team came in December, when He spent 40 days and 40 nights in the desert with Detroit Pistons coach Doug Collins. After consulting His father, God, Christ decided to turn down the Pistons’ offer of 30 gold pieces.

“Get thee behind me, Coach Collins,” Christ reportedly said.

Though some say the media led Christ to quit basketball, many contend He quit after being betrayed by teammate Kevin Willis during a 1994 Celtics-Hawks playoff game. With three seconds left and the Hawks trailing by one, Christ was wide open underneath the basket for an easy lay-up. Instead of passing to Christ, Willis took a wild shot from three-point range, missing the net completely. After the game, a visibly upset Christ stretched out His arms and said, “Kevin Willis, why hast thou forsaken me?”

Despite the controversies, Hawks teammates and personnel are excited to have Christ back.

Forward Stacey Augmon, just one of the many Hawks players who claims to have a personal relationship with Christ, said, “He’s taught me so much, like how to love your enemies as yourself, to pray for those who hurt you, and when to pass up the three in favor of a higher percentage shot.”

Fans also eagerly await the return of Christ’s “Ascension Dunk,” a crowd favorite. In the patented dunk, Christ leaps His less-than-league-average 24-inch vertical, then miraculously ascends toward Heaven, floating in mid-air just long enough to stuff the ball. An accompanying angelic choir momentarily stuns His defenders as the ball comes crashing down on their heads. The move wowed audiences at NBA All-Star Slam-N-Jam dunk competitions for two years in a row.

A three-time NBA All-Star, Christ impressed team doctors during a brief, closed-door workout Friday, in which He displayed His still-sharp shooting skills, dribbling ability and overwhelming love for all mankind.

Team doctors also noted that in contrast to most players who take layoffs, Christ’s body fat is just 3 percent, even lower than when He was playing. Christ attributed the low figure to His recent food-free, 2,000-year out-of-body reign in His Father’s Kingdom.

Meanwhile, the league made a special ruling regarding Christ’s crown of thorns, deciding that He may wear the headpiece only so long as He does not “unwittingly anoint a player with the forgiving power of His Holy Blood.”

Though Hawks fans seem certain Christ can help the team, some NBA experts question whether Jesus is the Answer.

“The healing power of His Holy Love may get the Hawks into the playoffs, but they can’t ride it alone to the championship,” NBA commentator Hubie Brown said. “What they really need is a solid power forward who can fill the lane, someone like Cliff Robinson.”

Some analysts think that Christ’s injuries, along with His added age, may slow Him down.

“Christ isn’t going to be 32 forever, and, quite frankly, He hasn’t been the same since the Romans drove holes into His hands and feet,” NBA analyst and former coach Chuck Daly said. “A painful stigmata injury is difficult to overcome, and it may affect His shooting touch. Still, I’m pretty confident He can rise again.”

At the Olympic Games, a girl bumps into a man carrying an eight-foot-long metal stick.
“Excuse me,” says the girl to the man. “Are you a pole vaulter?”
“No,” says the man, “I’m German, but how did you know my name is Walter?”

A man goes to the confessional. “Forgive me father, for I have sinned.”

“What is your sin, my child?” the priest asks back.

“Well,” the man starts, “I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible.”

“When did you do use this awful language?” said the priest.

“I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.”

“Is that when you swore?”

“No, Father.” Said the man. “After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away.”

“Is THAT when you swore?” asked the priest again.

“Well, no,” said the man, “You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!”

“Is THAT when you swore?” asked the amazed priest.

“No, not yet.” The man replied. “As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the
green, the squirrel dropped my ball.”

“Did you swear THEN?” asked the now impatient priest.

“No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole.”

“You missed the %#$*& putt, didn’t you?” sighed the priest.

A rugby player was hurt very badly during a scrum and he had both of his ears ripped off. Since he was permanently disfigured, he decided to give up playing
Rugby for good. His club and insurance company ensured that a large sum of money went his way.

One day, he decided to invest his money in a small but growing sportswear business. He bought the company outright but after signing on the dotted line, realised that he knew nothing about business. He decided to employ someone to run the shop.

The next day he set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very enthusiastic. At the end of the interview, the former rugby player asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?”

And the man replied, “Why, yes, I couldn’t help noticing you have no ears.” The rugby player got angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, “Do you notice anythingdifferent about me?”

She replied: “Well, you have no ears.” He got upset again and showed her the door.

The third and last interview was with the best of the three. He was a very young man fresh out of college. He was smart and handsome and seemed to know all about the sportswear business.

The Rugby player was anxious, but went ahead and asked him the same question: “Do you notice anything different about me?”

To his surprise the young man answered: “Yes, you wear contact lenses.”

The former rugby player was shocked, and said, “What an incredibly observant young man you are.

How in the world did you know that?”

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, “Well, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with no flipping ears.”