What do a cat, plant, and sea monkeys have in common?
All three have endured tragic deaths of neglect at my apathetic hands!
Oct 022011
Oct 282006
A bear walks into a bar in Baraboo, Wisconsin and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says,” We don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Baraboo.” The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender again tells him,” We don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Baraboo.” The bear, very angry now, says, “If you don’t serve me a beer, I’m going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.” The bartender once again says “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Baraboo.”
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, and eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Baraboo that are on drugs.” The bear says, ” I’m not on drugs.” The bartender says,” Yes you are, that was abarbitchyouate.”
Oct 282006
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Atheism is a nonprophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren’t going as ghosts but as mattresses?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him…is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym? 12. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?”
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have a “S” in it?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “asteroids”?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
If the “black box” flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Oct 282006
Bill and Hillary are out driving in the country near Hillary’s hometown. They are low on fuel, so Bill pulls into a gas station for a fill-up. The attendant comes out and begins to pump gas into the first couple’s tank. As he is doing this, he looks into the passenger window.
“Hey, Hillary. We used to date in high school, do you remember me?” he asks. They chat for a few minutes, Bill pays and the first couple leaves. As they drive Bill is feeling very proud of himself and looks over at Hillary. “You used to date that guy?
Just think what it would be like if you had married him,” he says smugly. Hillary looks at Bill and shrugs. Then she replies, “Well I guess you’d be pumping gas and he would be the President.”
Oct 282006
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, “What is wrong with you?”
Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to.
God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman.
He said, “This person will cook for you and wash your clothes; she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed.”
Adam asked God: “What will a woman like this cost?”
God said, “An arm and a leg.”
Adam said, “What can I get for just a rib?”
The rest is history.
Oct 282006
Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all American.
Male cheerleaders are scary.
Oct 282006
John was waiting to cross the street when a blind man approached with his guide-dog. The traffic sign turned green and instead of helping its master to cross, the dog raised its rear leg and peed on the shoes of the blind man.
Observing that, the blind man reached into his pocket and offered the dog a cookie.
John told the blind man in amazement, “If it is my dog I’d have kicked its butt!”. The blind man calmly replied, “I’m going to. But I need to find its head first”.
Oct 282006
Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all American.
Male cheerleaders are scary.
Sep 282006
A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train. Along came this woman and seeing the 2 cute babies started asking the man, “Aren’t they cute, what are their names?”
The man gave the lady an angry look and replied, “I don’t know”.
The lady then asked again, “Are they both boys or girls or either of each?”
The man looked angrier still and replied, “I don’t know!”
The woman then started to scold the man, “What kind of a father are you?”
The man replied, “I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company!”
Sep 282006
A blonde walks up to a Coke machine in a Las Vegas casino, puts in a few coins, and out pops a Coke. She puts some more coins into the machine, and another can of soda pops out. She keeps putting in coins, and cans of soda keep coming out.
A guy walks up behind her and says, “Can I please use the machine?”
“Buzz off!” she says. “Can’t you see I’m winning?”
Sep 282006
Three women, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead competed in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition – the brunette came in first, and the redhead was a close second. Much later, the blonde finally reached the shore, completely exhausted and near the point of drowning.
After being revived with blankets and coffee, she muttered, “I don’t want to sound like a sore loser, but I think those other two girls used their arms.”