Funny Jokes – Blonde Jokes

An old woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office
Building. A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, “Giorgio – Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!”

The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very
arrogantly turns to the old woman and says,”Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!”

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her floor and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, she bends over, and farts – and says, “Broccoli – 49 cents a pound.”

A rich, lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life, so she placed a personal ad that read: Rich Widow Looking for Man to Share Life and Fortune with the Following Qualifications:

1. WON’T BEAT ME UP
2. WON’T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, “Who are you and what do you want?”

“ Hi,” said the man “Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I’ve got no arms, so I can’t beat you up and I’ve got no legs, so I can’t run away.”

The old woman asked, “What makes you think you’re so great in bed?”

To which he replied, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

An American woman, a British woman, and an Italian woman were having lunch.

The American woman said, “I told my husband that I wasn’t going to clean the house anymore. If he wanted it clean, he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I didn’t see anything. The second day I didn’t see anything. Then, on the third day, voila! My husband had cleaned the whole house!”

The British woman agreed. “I told my husband that I wasn’t going to do the laundry anymore. If he wanted it done he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I didn’t see anything. The second day, I didn’t see anything. Then, on the third day, voila! My husband had done both his and my laundry!”

The Italian woman chimed in, “I told my husband that I wasn’t going to cook anymore. If he wanted home cooking he would have to either go by his mother or cook for himself. After the first day, I didn’t see anything. The second day, I didn’t see anything. Then, on the third day, I began to see a little out of my left eye.”

How Women Are Better Than Dogs

It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.

Women look good in sweaters.

Women leave the room to fart.

Though they only have two, women’s breasts are far more interesting.

How Dogs and Women Are Alike

Both look stupid in hats.

Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.

Both tend to have “hip” problems.

Neither understands football.

Both look good in a fur coat.

Both are good at pretending that they’re listening to every word you say.

Neither believes that silence is golden.

Both constantly want back rubs.

Neither can balance a checkbook.

You can never tell what either of them is thinking.

Both put too much value on kissing.

Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the
urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob’s standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, “Ah, OK, sure, I’ll help you”. The man asks, “Can you unzip my zipper?” Bob says, “OK”. Then the man says, “Can you pull it out for me?” Bob replies, “Uh, yeah, OK”. Bob pulls it out, it has all kinds of mold, and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and wreaks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points it for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in, and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, “Thanks, man, I really appreciate it”. Bob says, “No problem, but what the hell’s wrong with your penis?” The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, “I don’t
know, but I isn’t touching it.

Q. Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A. She knows she’s given her last blowjob.