What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.
Oct 022011
Oct 092006
A woman goes to visit a fortune teller. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
“There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”
Visibly shaken, the woman stares at the fortune teller’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. “Will I be found guilty?”
Oct 082006
Three women were talking about their love lives.
The first said, “My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated.”
The second said, “Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful.”
The third said, “Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it’s still going.”
Sep 282006
Why did God create man before woman?
He didn’t want any advice!
Sep 282006
A couple had been looking at new cars for months. He wanted a simple truck and she wanted a fast little sports car so she could zoom through traffic and look like a princess. He would have settled for almost any old truck, but everything she wanted was way out of price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 220 in 5 seconds or less. My birthday is coming up and you should surprise me!”
The husband lived a few short seconds after he watched his wife unwrap her brand new bathroom scale.
Sep 282006
An English professor wrote the words, “A woman without her man is nothing” on the blackboard and told the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: “A woman, without her man, is nothing.”
The women wrote: “A woman: without her, man is nothing.”
Sep 282006
1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.
2. IF THEY DON’T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN’T GOING.
3. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.
4. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN … SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.
5. DON’T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.
6. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES.
7. OF COURSE I DON’T LOOK BUSY…I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.
8. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.
9. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON’T GO AWAY?
10. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN!
Sep 282006
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don’t work enough, you’re a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it’s exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it’s favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it’s equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it’s sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it’s male indifference.
If you cry, you’re a wimp.
If you don’t, you’re insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you’re a control freak.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s manipulation.
If she asks you, it’s a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you’re self-centered.
If you don’t, you’re a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you’re after something.
If you don’t, you’re not thoughtful.
If you’re proud of your achievements, you’re an egotist.
If you’re not, you’re not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she’s tired.
If you have a headache, you don’t love her anymore.
Sep 282006
Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don’t even go there!)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Often unstable. Possesses strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Sep 282006
7 What do you mean today’s our anniversary?
6. Can we NOT talk to each other tonight? I’d rather just watch TV.
5. Ohhhhhh, this diamond is wayyyyyyyyy tooooooo big!
4. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
3. Aww, don’t stop for directions, I’m sure you’ll be able to figure out how to get there.
2. I don’t care if it’s on sale; $300 is way too much for a designer dress.
1. Hey, pull my finger!
Sep 282006
A man was walking along a Florida beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it, and out popped a genie.
The genie said, “OK, You released me from the lamp. This is the fourth time this month, and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three… You only get one wish!”
The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I’m scared to fly, and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?”
The genie laughed and said, “That’s impossible!!!
Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete — how much steel!! No, think of another wish.”
The man said, “OK, I’ll try to think of a really good wish.”
Finally, he said, “I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive.
So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside, and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment. Know why they’re crying, know what they really want when they say “nothing,” know how to make them truly happy.”
The genie said, “Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?”
Sep 282006
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both women barely large enough to see over the dashboard.
As they cruised along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went right on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through.
This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things.
She was getting nervous, and decided to pay very close attention.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and they went right through it.
She turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!”
Mildred turned to her and said,
“Oh my goodness! Am I driving?
Sep 282006
Once upon a time there were three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, and they all lived together.
One night the 96 year old ran a bath. She put one foot in and paused. “Was I getting in the tub or out?” she yelled.
The 94 year old hollered back, “I don’t know. I’ll come and see.” She started up the stairs and stopped. She shouted, “Was I going up or coming down?”
The 92 year old sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sister’s shook her head and said, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful,” and knocked on wood for good measure.
Then she yelled, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”
Sep 282006
Why do women pass less gas than men?
Because women won’t shut up long enough to build up pressure!