Funny Jokes – Blonde Jokes

Told to me by my father, who heard it from his cousin?

Gorbachev is hard at work on his country’s budget. His secretary
Knocks on the door. “Mr. Secretary, the–”

“Not now, I’m busy!”

“But…”

“Net! Come back in two hours.”

Thirty seconds later, she knocks again. “Mr. Secretary, the
Phone… you must answer it.”

“Can’t you see I’m working on the budget? I must have silence.
Have them call back tomorrow.”

“But Mr. Secretary, it’s Mr. Bush on the phone. He says he has 5
Billion dollars for you, and you don’t have to pay any of it back!”

Gorbachev smiles and picks up the phone. “Hello, Neil…”

January 20: take oath to uphold the honor and dignity of the office of
president of the united states. nudge rehnquist, ask what he’s wearing under that dress.
january 23: award presidential medal of freedom to ralph nader.
january 24: help alec baldwin pack.
january 30: memo to jeb: in your face, poindexter!
january 31: get people working on stuff.
february 3: bring democrats and republicans together.
february 4: bring peanut butter and chocolate together.
february 5: unite north, south dakota; north, south carolina; new, old
mexico.
february 7: get loaded, fail to name designated driver, don’t tell
anyone for 25 years, usher in an era of personal responsibility.
february 9: change pitch and tone of washington to something that will only annoy dogs.
february 12: replace affirmative action with affirmative access. replace medicare with med cool. replace department of transportation with department of fantabulation.
february 18: offer jeb important cabinet position, possibly
secretary of my a******.
february 20: invite nra executives into oval office to write legislation, play madden nfl 2001.
march 1-march 31: halftime!
april 1: plant flowers in rose garden: daisies?
april 7: give younger workers the opportunity to responsibly invest a portion of their payroll taxes in ebay bids.
april 9: open up yellowstone national park, the appalachian trail and
chappaqua, ny for oil exploration.
april 12: state dinner for emperor akihito of japan. does “samurai dry
cleaner” sketch.
april 15: replace soft bigotry of low expectations with hard nougat of candy.
april 18: try oval office fellatio (once or twice; what’s the harm?).

Why doesn’t Osama bin Laden have sex with his five wives?

Because every time he spreads their legs he sees Bush.

And here’s another! Well it’s actually an AP headline: “Philippine leader gets rare Bush dinner.” I know, I’m a twelve year-old boy, you don’t have to tell me.
I’m giggling like a schoolboy after hearing the word “titmouse”. Haha…
titmouse.

An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on board, but
unfortunately only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger says “I’m Shaquille O’Neill, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me, it would be unfair to them if I died”. So he takes the first parachute and jumps.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says “I am the wife of the former President of the United States. I am also the most dedicated woman in the world, a Senator in New York and America’s potential future President. She takes one of the parachutes and jumps.

The third passenger, George W. Bush, says ” I am the President of the United States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world politics. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of the country and I have a responsibility to my people not to die”. So he takes a parachute and jumps.

The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten
year old schoolboy “I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good person and a priest I will give you the last parachute”.

The boy replies “No problem, there is also a parachute for you. America’s most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag…”

(Instrumental intro)
Shrub fibs…. piled like a mountain;
Shrub caused sickening slaughter.
New wars… his schemers’ only dream.
Shrub’s their angel… walks on water.
Flay his kind… they only offer more violent fights.
Connive like crazy, without end.
All to achieve their paradise.
Shrub’s their deceiver.
‘Cause they need more war to feed their coup;
Oil, what they’re killing for.
Shrub fibs… piled like a mountain;
Shrub caused sickening slaughter.
New wars… his schemers’ only dream.
Shrub’s their angel… walks on water.
(instrumental break)
Our troops fought… then they find out Bush don’t care at all.
He’ll leave them dying, in the end.
Blundering through Iraq, he’ll go.
Shrub’s a deceiver.
‘Cause he needs more war to feed his coup.
Oil, he’s not paying for.
Shrub fibs… piled like a mountain;
Shrub caused sickening slaughter.
New wars… his schemers’ only dream.
Shrub’s their angel… walks on water.
Shrub fibs… piled like a mountain;
Shrub caused sickening slaughter.
New wars… his schemers’ only dream.
Shrub’s their angel… walks on water.
(instrumental fade)

Everybody’s talking’ ’bout Bush Daddy’s son.
To the whole wide world, he’s the Stupid One.
Yeah, he’s the one (Bush. Baby, he’s the one)
He’s the one (Bush… Baby, he’s the one)
He’s the one, he’s the one,
the one they call the Stupid One (called the Stupid One).
Shrub has wrecked our future; press gives him a pass.
He has done

(instrumental intro)
Ooh, oo-oo-oo-ooh (Ooh-oo-ooh)
Ooh-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-ooh
Ahh, ah-ah-ah-ahh (Quagmire, ooh)
Ooh-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-ooh
(Family crown) When Shrub was just a kid,
He chose the family crown.
(Family crown) He became emperor;
His oil war drags us down.
It’s his… quagmire…
Dubya’s… quagmire.
Iraq is the place where his mess lost face.
Ooh, oo-oo-oo-ooh (Ooh-oo-ooh)
Ooh-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-ooh
(Bad quagmire) Deranged, his land grab was a planned stab; Iraq crude.
(Iraq crude) Now don’t forget he caused a war ’cause of Dad’s feud.
It’s a… quagmire, such a… quagmire.
So the Shrub must go, we must let him know.
Ooh, oo-oo-oo-ooh (Ooh-oo-ooh)
Ooh-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-ooh
Ahh, ah-ah-ah-ahh (Quagmire, ooh)
We loathe his bluster as the czar.
Ahh, ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ahh (Quagmire, ooh)
Ooh-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-ooh….
Ahh, ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ahh (Quagmire, ooh)
Ooh-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-ooh….