Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
Oct 162009
Oct 162009
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa.”
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”
This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. “Okay,” says the lawyer, “your turn”.
She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?”
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Oct 162009
A blonde in Las Vegas goes up to the Coke machine, puts in a dollar, and gets a Coke.
She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.
She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.
She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.
Finally, the man behind her says, “Hey, lady. Do you think I could use the machine?”
She replies, “Fuck off! Can’t you see I’m winning?”
Oct 082009
A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed.
The blonde agreed to the conditions and started right away. The supervisor checked up at the end of the day and found that she had completed four miles on her first day, double the average!
“Great,” he told her, “I think you’re really going to work out.”
The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished two miles. The supervisor thought, “Well she’s still at the average and I don’t want to discourage her, so I’ll just keep quiet.”
The third day however the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, “I need to talk to her before this gets any worse.” The boss talked the new employee and said, “You were doing so great. The first day you did four miles, the second day two miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What’s keeping you from meeting the two mile minimum?”
The blonde replied, “Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the paint bucket.”
Oct 082009
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.The driver blonde turned to her friend and said “You know – it’s blondes like that that give us a bad name!”To this, the other blonde replies “I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I’d go out there and drown her.”
Oct 072009
A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears.
The genie says, “You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much.”
The woman says, “Okay. Give me a nice house.”
The genie replies, “You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two.”
The the lady says, “Give me a gorgeous man.”
The genie replies, “You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two.”
The lady says, “For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it.”
Dec 192008
What’s the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort!
Dec 182008
What do turtles and blondes have in common?
If they’re on their back, they’re screwed!
Oct 062008
There was once an archeologist brunette that really hated blondes. She lived in Phoenix, and upon going for her daily walk in the desert, found she had gotten herself lost.
This was a resourceful brunette, and she survived for several weeks in the middle of the desert, eating cactus, catching rattlers with her bare hands, and cooking them over a fire she’s make by rubbing her hair pins together.
One day, after chasing a lizard around all morning, she looked up and saw a street. She was afraid it was a mirage. When the brunette stepped forward to go to the street, she tripped on a lamp. It looked ancient, so she rubbed the dirt off of it to get a better look.
POOF! Out came a genie.
“Lady, thank you for freeing me. By genie law, I have to give you three wishes before I can wreak havoc on the world again. What would you like?”
“Well, I’ve always wanted-” The brunette had just thought of what she wanted, when the genie interrupted her.
“Oh, sorry, I forgot to mention– I’ll give you anything you want, but whatever you ask for, three blondes in the world will get double that.
Now, this brunette may have been educated, but she could never get over her dislike for blondes. Especially fake blondes. “Well, I’d like a couple million bucks to make my life easier.”
“You got it.” The genie waived his arms around and a green puff of smoke came billowing out of his gown. The brunette looked down and saw two well-stocked luggage carts full of money.
The genie wasn’t done yet. He let out three more puffs of green smoke, all twice as big as the puff he let out for her.
The brunette cringed. “Now, three blondes have four million dollars a piece.” The genie folded his arms and waited for the brunette’s next choice.
Next, the brunette asked for a hansdsome, kind, generous, loving man to share her life with (or to at least have great sex).
The genie waived his arms, and a puff of pink smoke appeared. When the smoke had gone, a gorgeous man stood before them. Three more puffs of smoke, each twice as big as the first one, reminded the brunette that three blondes were getting twice the man she got.
Finally, the genie asked the brunette for her third wish.
She thought it over for a minute, then replied, “See that rock over there? I want you to beat me half to death with it”.
Oct 062008
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”
The blonde said “How about 50 dollars?”
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”
The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. “You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
“And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”
Oct 062008
A blonde walks into a porno shop:
She asks, “How much for the white dildo?”
He answers, “35 bucks”
She: “How much for the black one?”
He: “$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one.”
She: “I think I’ll take the black one. I’ve never had a black one before.” She pays him, and off she goes.
A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks “How much for the black dildo?”
He: “35 bucks”
She: “How much for the white one?”
He: “$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one.”
She: “Hmmm… I think I’ll take the white one. I’ve never had a white one before…” She pays him, and off she goes.
About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, “How much are your dildos?”
He: “$35 for the white, $35 for the black.”
She: “Hmmmmm… .how much is that plaid one on the shelf?”
He: “Well, that’s a very special dildo… it’ll cost you $165.”
She: She thinks for a moment and answers, “I’ll take the plaid one, I’ve never had a plaid one before….” She pays him, and off she goes.
Finally, the guy’s boss returns and asks, “How did you do while I was gone?”
To which the salesman responded, “I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!”
Oct 062008
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me, ladies, may I see your fishing licenses.” “We don’t have any,” replied the first blonde. “Well, if you’re going to fish, you need fishing licenses.” said the Game Warden. “But officer,” replied the second blonde, “we aren’t fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we’re collecting debris off the bottom of the river.” The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each one. “Well, I know of no law against it,” said the Game Warden, “take all the debris you want.” And with that, he left. As soon as he was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. “What a dumb Fish Cop,” the third blonde said to the other two, “doesn’t he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?!”
Feb 142008
A blonde executive was driving by a field one day when she saw a blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a dirt field. She drove over to her and said, “It’s idiots like you that give blondes a bad name, and if I could swim I would come over there and kick your ass!”
Feb 142008
A blonde walks into a Pharmacy and asks a clerk for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist overhears and is a little bemused. He explains to the woman that they don’t sell bottom deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
“I’m sorry,” says the pharmacist, “we don’t have any.” We just have underarm deodorants.
“But I always get it here,” says the blonde.
“Do you have the container it comes in?”
“Yes!” said the blonde, “I will go and get it.”
About an hour later, she returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, “This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.”
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the deodorant back and reads out loud from the package,