Funny Jokes – Blonde Jokes

Guys were sitting around a bar talking about things they bet on. A woman down at the end of the bar; says “I bet on things!” The bartender says; “Oh Yeah! What do you bet on?” Woman: “Most anything.”

Bartender: “Like what for instance?”

Woman: “See that wall over their? I bet I can pee higher on that wall than you can!”

Bartender: (Thinks about this for a minute) “I’ll take that bet!”, “How much do you want to bet?”

Woman: “You name your poison.”

Bartender: “I’ll bet you a hundred dollars.”

Woman: “Ok!”

Bartender: “Ladies first.”

Woman: Pulls up her dress, pulls down her panties, leans back and pees. “Your turn,” she replies.

Bartender: Unzips his pants gets his sure fire $100 tool out; gets ready to pee.

Woman: “Hey……NO HANDS!”

Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were.
The first mouse slams a shot and says, “I play with mouse traps for fun. I’ll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times.” And with that he slams another shot.

The second mouse slams a shot and says, “That’s nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it.”

And with that he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, “Where the hell are you going?”

The third mouse stops and replies, “I’m going home to fuck the cat.”

Woman walks into a bar… totally nude and asks the barkeep if he can serve her a drink.
He looks her up and down and says, “Well sure, but it doesn’t appear by the your appearance that you’ll be able to pay for it.”
The woman throws one leg up on a bar stool and shows what she’s got, “Will this do?” she asks.
The barkeep takes a look and responds, “Ya got anything smaller?”

A very drunk man goes into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender serves him and asks him if he would like to try the bar game of darts. Three in the bullseye and win a prize.. Only a dollar for three darts.

The drunk agrees and throws the first dart. A bullseye!! He downs another drink, takes aim on wobbly feet, lets go…Two bulls eyes!!!! Two more quick drinks go down. Barely able to stand, he lets go of the last dart.

Three bulls eyes!!!

All are astounded. No one has ever won before. The bartender searches for a prize… grabs a turtle from the bar’s terrarium and presents it to the drunk as his prize.

Three weeks pass… The drunk returns and orders more drinks, then announces he would like to try the dart game again. To the total amazement and wonderment of all the local drunks, he scores three more bulls eyes and demands his prize.

The bartender, being a sort of drunk himself, and a bit short of memory, doesn’t know what to give, so he asks the drunk, “Say, what did you win the last time?”

And the drunk responds, “A roast beef sandwich on a hard roll!”

A queer walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, son. We dont allow queers in this bar.”
The queer says, “I need a drink really bad, honey. I’ll sit in the very back and be very quiet!”
The bartender thinks for a while, and says, “Alright. Only ONE drink.” The queer takes the glass of beer and sits in the dark courner of the bar. Suddenly, a cowboy walks in with snakeskin boots and a cowskin cowboy hat.
He walks up to the bartender and says, “I’m so thirsty, I could lick the sweat off the balls of a cow!”
The queer looks up uncertainly and yells across the bar, “Moo, Moo, Buckaroo!”
The bartender is taken to court two days later for letting a half-baked drunk queer in the bar.

2 men are on a bar on the top of a building, the first man drinks a martini and jumps off the building. But 5 minutes later he has come back to the bar again. He does the exact same thing, he drinks a martini, jumps off the building and 5 minutes later he comes back to the bar again. The second man says, “WOW!! that’s amazing, how do you do that?” The man replies, “It’s easy, all you have to do is drink a martini and jump off!” “But how does that work?” “The alcohol in the martini gives you the ability to just float down!” So the man jumps off the building, after he had drank a martini, but he died. The second man was laughing really hard, then the bartender said to him, “Sometimes you are so slack SUPERMAN!”.

A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another.

He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This goes on for at least an hour and a half.

Finally the bartender, bursting with curiousity, says, “I know it’s none of my business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole “drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one” routine?”

“Well,” slurred the man, “There’s a picture of my wife in my pocket.

When she starts to look good, then it’s time for me to go home.”