Funny Jokes – Blonde Jokes

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”

The pirate replies “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”

“Wow!” said the seaman. “What about your hook”?

“Well…”, replied the pirate, “We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off.”

“Incredible!” remarked the seaman. “How did you get the eyepatch”?

“A seagull dropping fell into my eye.”, replied the pirate.

“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the sailor asked incredulously.

“Well…”, said the pirate, “…it was my first day with the hook.”

Kelly limps into his favorite pub…

My god! What happened to you?” the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

“I got in a tiff with Riley”, whispered Kelly to the beertender.

“Riley? He’s just a wee fellow,” the barkeep said surprised.
“He must have had something in his hand.”

“That he did,” Kelly said. “A shovel it was.”

“Dear Lord. Didn’t you have anything in your hand?”

“Aye, that I did – Mrs. Riley’s right tit.” Kelly said.
“And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!”

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone’s amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” The guy says “No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table … whole!” “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy, “He eats everything in sight, the little bugger. Sorry. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff”. He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the Monkey ate, then leaves Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” “No, what?” replies the guy. “Well, he stuck a cherry up his bum, pulled it out, and ate it!” said the bartender. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me”, replied the guy. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything first.”

Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducked.

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. “Why of course,” comes the reply.The first man then asks: “Where are you from?””I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man.The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.””Of course,” replies the second man.I’m curious, the first man then asks: “Where in Ireland are you from?””Dublin,” comes the reply.”I can’t believe it,” says the first man. “I’m from Dublin too! Let’s have another drink to Dublin.””Of course,” replies the second man.Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: “What school did you go to?””Saint Mary’s,” replies the second man, “I graduated in ‘62.””This is unbelievable!”, the first man says. “I went to Saint Mary’s and I graduated in ‘62, too!”About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. “What’s been going on?” he asks the bartender.”Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The O’Kinly twins are drunk again.”

Guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a beer. At this point the bartender leaves to take care of some business in the back. As he is about to take his first sip someone says,

“Hey thats a great coat!”

He turns around and to his surprise no one is there. He shrugs it off as nothing and goes back to his beer.

“You look great did you get a haircut?!” Again someone exclaims.

He turns around, and again; No one.

He goes back to his beer when someone again shouts.

“Those shoes go great with that great coat!”

At this point the man is just about at his wits end, when the bartender comes out.

“Excuse me barkeep” the man replies “Someone keeps speaking to me, but everytime I turn around no one is there.”

The bartender replies back at the bewildered man. “Oh thats just the peanuts… They’re complimentry”

A man was sitting in the bar when he noticed another patron a few stools away. The guy had a body like charles atlas, but his head was the size of a thimble.

The first man said “please excuse me for staring, but I can’t help but be curious as to why your body is so well
developed, but your head is so small?”. The man said “buy me a drink and I’ll tell you.”

The drink was ordered and the story began. ” I was in the navy and my ship was sunk by a torpedo. I was the only survivor and I managed to make it to a deserted island a few miles away.

I had been there for several months and was sitting on the beach one day waiting for a bird or fish to come by so I would have something to eat, looking up I saw a beautiful mermaid sunning on a nearby rock. She swam over to me and informed me that she was a magical mermaid and could grant me three wishes.

Great I said. I’d like to be rescued. She slapped the water with her tail and a ship appeared, sailing straight for my island.

Next I asked for a body like charles atlas. Another slap of the tail and here it is.

Then, noticing how beautiful she was and all my other wishes fulfilled I asked if I could make love to her.

She said, no it just wouldn’t work her being half fish and all. So I said well, how about a little head then?