There’s an englishman,a scottsman,and an irishman all sitting at a bar with pints in front of them.the bar is full of flies.one lands in the englishman’s pint.”oh,that’s repulsive”,he says and pushes his pint away.a fly then lands in the scottsman’s pint.the scott fishes it out,throws it,and slings back his pint. finally one lands in the irishman’s pint.he reaches in,pulls the fly out,holds it between his fingers and yells”spit it out you bastard!spit it out!”
This fella was celebrating his 50th birthday.
So some friends from work took him to this great restaurant to celebrate his 50th birthday.
While sitting at his table, the waiter aproaches him to take his dinner “order”. This birthday boy says,
“I’ll have a thick steak and all the fixings to go along with it.”
The waiter asks him if he’d care for a bowl of soup with his dinner and this fella says, that sounds “good”.
The waiter goes back to the kitchen and after about 45 minutes returns with the ordered bowl of soup, but the birthday boy that ordered the soup noticed that the waiter had had his thumb in “his soup” during his return from the kitchen.
The fella that is celebrating his birthday looks at the waiter and says, I don’t want “that soup! cause he did’nt know where that waiter had his hands last.
The waiter leans down and asks this fella, you see this cut cut on my thumb and the guy says yeh. Well my doctor told me to keep my thumb in a “warm,moist place” so it would heal quick.
The guy looks up at him and says, why don’t you shove it up your ass and the waiter says, I DO !, when I’m in the kitchen!!.
One day a man walked out of a bar after
Having a good few drinks, and jumped into
His car whereupon he was immediately
Confronted by a police officer.
“Your eyes are bloodshot, have you been
Drinking?” said the police officer.
“Well I don’ know sir, your eyes are glazed,
Have you been eatin’ donuts?”
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?” The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, “If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?” The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat’s music.While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. “Sorry,” the man replies, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. “No,” he insists, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.”Are you insane?” the bartender demanded. “That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!” “Don’t worry about it.” the man answered. “The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat’s a ventriloquist.”
There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk. I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt.Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn’t move.So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said. “Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?”
A physically large guy meets a woman at a bar, and after a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, ready for the act, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, “See there, baby? That’s 1000 pounds of Dynamite!” She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder’s pose, and says, referring to his bulging legs, “See those, baby? That’s 1000 pounds of dynamite!” She is aching for action at this point.Finally, he drops his underpants, and she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to run out the door, and asks, “Why are you in such a hurry to leave?” She replies, “With 2000 pounds of dynamite, and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!”
A guy was sitting in a bar, drinking away. Suddenly he says to the bartender, “I have to go home or the wife will be mad”.
(at this point he was loaded drunk)
He climbed down from the bar stool, and fell flat on his face. The man then said “I can’t walk and I didn’t have that much to drink?”.
He gets up to give it another try, this time the same thing happens and he falls flat to his face. He says “I have to get home some way or the wife will kill me if I don’t get home soon”!
He gets an idea of crawling home, so away he went crawling home. He crawled up to his apartment and slowely snuck into bed with his wife trying not to wake her.
The next morning he woke up to see his wife running in the room. She said “you were out drinking again last night weren’t you!”
The man replied with “NO WAY!”
And the wife said “YOU LIAR!
The bartender just called and said you left your wheelchair at the club again last night”!
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”
The pirate replies “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”
“Wow!” said the seaman. “What about your hook”?
“Well…”, replied the pirate, “We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off.”
“Incredible!” remarked the seaman. “How did you get the eyepatch”?
“A seagull dropping fell into my eye.”, replied the pirate.
“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the sailor asked incredulously.
“Well…”, said the pirate, “…it was my first day with the hook.”