Funny Jokes – Blonde Jokes

A is for Alcohol :The key to surviving college

B is for Beer :The most disgusting alcohol of all, but great for chugging

C is for Class :What you’re supposed to get up and go to after a Thursday night party

D is for Dancing :A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks pathetic

E is for Emergency :The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your drinking party

F is for Fucked-Up :Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out

G is for Games :Anything that involves cards, dice and chugging beers

H is for Hang-over :Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank

I is for Idiot :The guy that spilled his beer on you and everyone else at the party

J is for Jail :Where you’ll end up after trying to use a fake ID or stagger home

K is for Kissing :What you’ll do to anything that moves after 15 beers

L is for Lord erson you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol

M is for Money :That which you no longer have due to too much partying

N is for Not Again! :What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don’t know

P is for Pee :What you have to do every five minutes while you’re drinking beer

Q is for Quilt :What you puked on last night in bed and have to clean in the morning

R is for Reform :What you promise god you will do while you’re puking in the toilet

S is for Sex :What you did with that person you met last night while you were drunk

T is for Ten :The number of beers it takes ME to get drunk

U is for Underage :Most of the drinking population in college town

V is for Vodka :The mother of all alcohols and the best way to get drunk in an hour

W is for Worm :The part of Tequila that reminds you of Biology class tomorrow

X is for X-Ray :How they can see into your stomach before they pump it

Y is for Yourself :The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every week-end

Z is for Zoned :How you will be for the next 12 hours following drinking

This hippie walks into a bar, and thinks it’s a restaurant. He walks up to the counter, and says to the barkeep, “I want a hot dog, not too hot, not too cold, but in the groove.”

So the barkeep walks into the back room, and tells this to the manager, who is in a bad mood. The manager says, “Well, give him whatever he wants, then get him out of here.”

The barkeep heads back into the main room, posing as a waiter. “Anything else,” he questions. The hippie replies, “Yeah, I want a milkshake, not too thick, not too thin, but in the groove.”

Again, the barkeep relays this to his manager, who is getting more frusterated as the night goes on. He yells, “Fine, I already told you, give him what he wants and get him out of here!”

So the barkeep returns to the hippie. “That was a hot dog and a milkshake, right?” “Yeah,” the hippie says, “but scratch the hot dog. I want a hamburger, not to rare, not too well-done, but in the groove.”

The barkeep relays this to the manager, who has finally had enough. He storms out of the back room, and bellows at the hippie.

“You can kiss my ass! Not on the left cheek, and not on the right cheek, but in the groove!!”

A Canadian is on vacation and walks into a bar.

He sits on this HUGE stool and says to the bartender’ man, I heard things are big down here in Texas, but this is ridiculas!’ and orders a mug of beer.

He gets a pitcher of beer and asks the bartender, ‘man, I heard that things are big down here in Texasm but this is ridiculas!’ and goes about drinking his beer. He orders another and he gets really pissed drunk.

Well, not too long later, he has to go to the bathroom really, really bad so he asks the bartender, ‘Where is your washroom???’ The bartender says, down the hall, second door on the right.’

So the man climbs off the stool and stumbles down the hall and enters the second door to the left and falls in this huge swimming pool.

The man is struggling to stay afloat and screams ‘DON’T FLUSH IT!!!

Stage 1 – SMART

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 – GOOD LOOKING

This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 – RICH

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn’t matter how much you bet ‘cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 – BULLET PROOF

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you’re BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 – INVISIBLE

This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you’re still SMART you know all the words.

This fella was celebrating his 50th birthday.

So some friends from work took him to this great restaurant to celebrate his 50th birthday.

While sitting at his table, the waiter aproaches him to take his dinner “order”. This birthday boy says,

“I’ll have a thick steak and all the fixings to go along with it.”

The waiter asks him if he’d care for a bowl of soup with his dinner and this fella says, that sounds “good”.

The waiter goes back to the kitchen and after about 45 minutes returns with the ordered bowl of soup, but the birthday boy that ordered the soup noticed that the waiter had had his thumb in “his soup” during his return from the kitchen.

The fella that is celebrating his birthday looks at the waiter and says, I don’t want “that soup! cause he did’nt know where that waiter had his hands last.

The waiter leans down and asks this fella, you see this cut cut on my thumb and the guy says yeh. Well my doctor told me to keep my thumb in a “warm,moist place” so it would heal quick.

The guy looks up at him and says, why don’t you shove it up your ass and the waiter says, I DO !, when I’m in the kitchen!!.

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?” The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, “If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?” The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat’s music.While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. “Sorry,” the man replies, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. “No,” he insists, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.”Are you insane?” the bartender demanded. “That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!” “Don’t worry about it.” the man answered. “The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat’s a ventriloquist.”

A physically large guy meets a woman at a bar, and after a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, ready for the act, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, “See there, baby? That’s 1000 pounds of Dynamite!” She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder’s pose, and says, referring to his bulging legs, “See those, baby? That’s 1000 pounds of dynamite!” She is aching for action at this point.Finally, he drops his underpants, and she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to run out the door, and asks, “Why are you in such a hurry to leave?” She replies, “With 2000 pounds of dynamite, and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!”