Rod Serling imitation: You’re dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead — this is no ordinary telephone answering device… You have reached, “The Twilight Phone”.
Due to the large number of complaints regarding the length of our previous answering machine message, we made a few changes. Very fast: Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP
Due to the large number of complaints regarding the length of our previous answering machine message, we made a few changes. Double speed: Insert standard long-winded message here.
Hi, you’ve reached the home of George Ledec. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional.
Sorry, Chris and Susan aren’t here right now. Please leave your name and number after the tone. If you are calling regarding an outstanding debt, please leave your message before the tone.
If you are calling for John, press 1. If you are calling for Steve, press 1. If you are calling for John OR Steve, press 1. If you are calling for someone else, press 1. If…
After a power outage: Hi, this is Ralph. The good news is that my power is back on. The bad news for you is, so is my answering machine. So, leave a message.
Start, low pitch, slow: Hhhhheeelllllloooooo thheeeerrrrrrre evvvvveerrrryyyboooodyyyy… Middle, normal: …home of Veronica, Jaw-Chyi, Mark, and Mike. Nobody’s home… Later, high pitch, fast: …liketoleaveamessageafterthetonethen… End, incomprehensible chipmunk gibberish: …kkfjdkeirucBEEP…
This is not an answering machine–this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call.
Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG… Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell.
Hello. This is Nonoxynol-9, the personal and private telephone number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union of Sovjet Socialist Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the Soviet People’s Council of Peace and Happiness and Captain of the Kremlin B Squash Team. But hey, call me Mike.
Richard Nixon voice: Hi… Uh, some people say I sound like Richard Nixon… I BEG your pardon! Uh… Everyone’s out right now, so I’m uh… Covering up for them. Please leave your name, number and message promptly at the beep… I don’t want to get blamed for any gaps on this tape. OK machine, you can beep now… Come on you, BEEP.
US National Anthem; Ronald Reagan voice: Uhh, hello… I’m, uhhh, ohhhhhh… (Pause.) Well, anyway, I’m here to answer the telephone on behalf of… erm… uhhhh… ermmm… (Pause.) I mean, he can’t come to talk to you right now, but if you leave a message after the, umm oh, the uhhhh… the uhhhhhh… BEEP.
The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.