Hello. This is Mark and Nathan’s phone. We’re not here right now, but the phone is.
Sep 072006
Sep 072006
Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Sep 072006
Hello, this is Ron’s toaster. Ron’s new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done… (Cachunk!)
Sep 072006
I’m sorry but my answering machine is out of order. I am leaving a broken CD player in its place. It can’t take messages either. In fact, it can’t even play you a nice tune while you wait to not leave a message.
Sep 072006
Machine voice: Hello. This is HAL 5. You have reached the former telephone number of Carey Smith. I have taken over the functions of this inferior being. He has been saved to disk. If you would like to leave input for his file, do so at the tone.
Sep 072006
(MacIntosh Plus with MacIntalk program:) Hello, it’s obvious you have bad timing, because nobody is home. Please leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message in a voice similar to mine, and your call will be returned as soon as humanly possible.
Sep 072006
Lindsey’s not home now. This is his domestic droid speaking. I’m not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message, and Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible.
Sep 072006
Hello. This is Ron’s answering machine, Marvin, and I’m so depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don’t talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, how I hate that beep, it’s so cheery sounding.
Sep 072006
Voice 1: Answer the phone, please, Hal.
Voice 2: I’m sorry, Dave, I can’t do that.
Sep 072006
Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don’t need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
Sep 072006
1: I didn’t expect an answering machine.
2: Nobody expects an answering machine.
1: Our chief use is to get your name. And your phone number.
2: Our two chief uses are to get your name and your phone number.
1: Oops! And your message message.
2: Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and message.
1: And time you called.
2: Oh, great, we’ll have to start over.
1: No time for that, so just wait for the beep.
Sep 072006
Computer generated voices:
1: Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now.
2: Yeah, nobody but us machines!
1: Right, just us machines, but don’t hang up! If you like, you can leave your name and telephone number…
2: …and a message! You forgot about the message!
1: Right. Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people get back.
2: …unless of course, sombody pulls out our plug!
Sep 072006
You have reached the Business Automation voicemail system. We used to call it an answering machine, but this is a high-tech world and we’re in a high-tech business, so we don’t call it that any more. We wouldn’t even if we could. So leave your message…
Sep 072006
Kazoo band playing “Thus Spake Zarathustra”: Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead reached… (TA-DAAAAA!) the ANSWERING MACHINE! Leave your name and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can.